On-Set Translation

What they say. What they mean.

“Picture’s up.”
Get out of the frame and shut your pie holes.

“Let’s go again; that shot went a little soft.”
Because you’re also an exec producer, I’m blaming the focus puller for your wooden acting.

“Check the gate.”
If we have to do another take of this, I’ll slit my wrists.

“One more for safety.”
Maybe if you think the pressure’s off, you’ll give me one usable take.

“I need more energy.”
Your performance sucks, but I don’t speak actor language and can’t provide the direction needed to get you where I want, so I’ll use a meaningless, unactionable term like energy instead – one that I’ll be forced to reinterpret after the next shitty take.

“Let’s toss a ProMist in there.”
I know the number of a good dermatologist.

“Your character’s very vulnerable in this scene.”
You’ll be naked.

“Honey, I need you to help us maintain continuity.”
Please keep your nipples tweaked between takes.

“We’ll get a pick-up shot of it later.”
No, we won’t.

“Let’s reset with the 85mm and flip the room.”
You guys keep working. I gotta take a dump, a bump, and call my agent back.

“We’re losing the light,” or “wait out these clouds.”
I now punish you for my having overruled your insistence that the whole scene be shot under HMIs.

“This is the Abby Singer, people.”
We’re setting up for the penultimate shot of the day (the final being called the martini), and since many have no clue what this means, it gives me a chance to appear smart while demeaning your inexperience by having to explain the story of the infamous namesake AD who’d routinely mistakenly call the martini shot too soon. This will probably be followed by an additional unforeseen setup, resulting in me being an Abby Singer false prophet myself.

“Good work, everyone. We’ll see you in the morning.”
Please congratulate me on my own visionary genius. And be back in six hours.

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Book Learnin vs. Dirty Hands

I would love to hear, from your point of view, whether a fine arts degree worth its pursuit. Our province has many opportunities for folks in the creative community to work in the industry — both amateur and professional — and I am beginning to hear from people who work in the field that hands-on experience far surpasses a degree in terms of getting work and learning the craft.

The debate rages on: experience versus education. I’ll admit up front that any bias is because I have a B.S. in Broadcasting. Still, I’d wager that in this industry the advantages are about 70/30 experience over education.

A lot of people go to school to get a head start on that experience. Most of my college evenings weren’t spent in the library, they were at the radio station, in the editing room, production meetings, the engineering shop. And on the barstool. At the time, I wouldn’t have had access to these resources otherwise (and I was as far from either coast as one could be). Being in a community of driven, competitive, like-minded students was invaluable as well – folks I could recruit for my vanity projects and vice-versa.

School forces you to work on a variety of skills that are probably outside your comfort zone that you’ll thank them for later. Most people just want to learn how to run the camera and some desktop software. No one aspires to be a boom operator, but it’s solid work. Script supervision is a critical, underappreciated skill.

College for me was right on the cusp of the internet’s coming-out party. Since then, I can honestly say that I probably learned as much in a couple of years lurking in the shadows of the masters on Cinematography.com as I did in four years at university. But it can’t make you feel the unreal stress of deadlines, equipment failures, and personnel issues that are a daily reality. Only getting your hands dirty can do that.

Thus far, I’ve been referring to production jobs. Those are experience-driven. But that’s only one facet of the industry. School teaches you a lot of things most people wouldn’t seek out on their own, but are practical in the white-collar or no-collar sector. Law, theory, ethics, history, management, etc.

I realize the focus of your question was screenwriting. That’s a trickier one. I’m all for novelists or academic writers getting degrees, especially post-graduate ones. Screenwriting, however, to me is not a literary pursuit as most of us understand it. It’s about being able to tell a compelling story purely through visual and auditory clues, and doing so within a standard industry-accepted format that directors and actors and producers can interpret. It’s only a slight exaggeration that I would probably enlist a graphic designer or a video editor to write a script before I would someone who had a newspaper column. School can teach you how to pace your acts, how to develop characters, why past works were great, etc., but once you’re trying to sell that first spec script, you’re in a field of competition where no one cares if you’re degreed, only if your idea can make them millions. A huge part of successful screenwriting is marketing. Knowing how to sell your ideas. Also understanding actors, both feeding their egos with juicy parts and appreciating their process. Thinking like a director, making your camera cuts on the page.

There are many writing jobs that don’t involve writing features. I made a living writing video scripts and ad copy for awhile. Those were skills honed in school. But they came as a result of making contacts and networking and self-promotion.

Long story short (too late!), I wouldn’t go to school strictly for screenwriting. There isn’t much they can teach that you can’t learn through your own resourcefulness, if you naturally have what it takes otherwise. The competition in the script world is so beyond ridiculous, you’re better off using the money to buy yourself some time off, and spend it writing. A lot. That’s what writers do. And thickening your skin and exercising your tenacity. Sounds like you’re on the right path, getting exposure at every level you can.

What do you guys think?

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Truths, Vol. 3

The quality of a magazine is inversely proportional to the number of ad pages before its table of contents.

Perfection is possible, just unlikely.

One single sentence can conjure more imagery than a reel of film. Not that sentence, but, you know, a really, really good one.

Even Jennifer Lopez gets diarrhea sometimes.

No, I do not think your MySpace blog would make a good screenplay.

All art is the physical expression or representation of an emotion.

No one can stop you from following your dreams – until they intersect with mine, and then I’ll have to discourage your no-talent ass.

Media critics should be voted upon yearly to be retained/expelled by their constituents, just like municipal judges.

The more whooshes and thuds in a movie trailer, the less likely I am to go see it.

Your book is not worth my week spent reading, much less your two years’ writing. Don’t waste either of our time.

Music should stimulate the hips first, and the heart second. The brain is far down the list, below even the neck.

Fame and talent are not synonymous. You can buy an audience’s ticket, but you can’t make them come.

More money should be spent on what’s in front of the camera than behind it.

A televised nipple never inspired a child to shoot his classmates.

Michael Medved is no more credible a critic than Michael Moore is a documentarian.

Songs are what they play between commercials on the radio.

I already know there are twelve notes, yet every American Idol diva-in-training must remind me of each of them before concluding a vocal phrase.

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Oscar® Hangover

How original, an Oscars post!

Though neither nominated nor invited this year, I thought last night’s Academy Awards was a class broadcast all around. Sure, there were a few technical/timing gaffes, but having directed live variety shows before, I can tell you Murphy’s Law is in effect, you just have to be prepared.

I really loved the international flavor, especially with Mexico’s proliferation in cinema. Personally, I thought Babel, Children of Men, and Pan’s Labyrinth were the three best films of the year, coincidentally all directed by The Three Amigos. Children of Men really got the shaft, even in nominations. That motorcycle chase scene from the inside of the car was the single most exciting thing I saw on screen all year.

Eddie Murphy’s snub was no surprise. Eff him. Many in the industry see him as standoffish and judge him by his frequent poor choices, just as the opposite helped Marty win Best Director in a tough field. Gore getting played off was classic, and his film is certainly worthy of attention, though not the award. Other than Babel not getting Best Picture, the only other true disappointment for me was Adriana Barraza (the Mexican nanny) not winning for her heartbreaking supporting role in that same picture. But what are ya gonna do, Jennifer Hudson was in the same category.

I was yelling at the screen during E!’s pre-show coverage as Ryan Seacrest interviewed Gael Garcia Bernal. Here’s one of the finest actors of his generation (Bernal), and in his sixty seconds of screen time, Seacrest felt the need to mention Brad Pitt at least six times – a man Bernal has never met.

As usual, some of the best things about the broadcast were the preproduced tribute packages. Just spectacular editing, especially the In Memoriam, which usually puts me to sleep. Errol Morris’s “It’s All About the Nominees” intro video was stellar, giving us a glimpse at the nominee experience, especially those behind the scenes, through his innovative Interrotron style. The writers tribute, the Morricone tribute, Mann’s americana thing, all thoughtful.

Many would agree the absolute highlight was the interpretive dancers behind the scrim who formed an iconic silhouetted image from each of the Best Picture nominees using only their own bodies. Another favorite was the Costume Design nominee presentation, with live re-enactment vignettes featuring their wardrobes.

I don’t care who everyone was wearing. I don’t care about the host. I don’t care about the catering, or the raging after-parties. But they selected some great films this year, and truly did celebrate the nominees.

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Awards Show Etiquette

‘Tis the Season, and since I know all the industry insiders read this blog between meetings and lighting setups in their trailers, for your consideration I present the following tips to make your big night a memorable, gaffe-free one.

• Orange is the new tan. With February nearing, it’s time to externalize your inner Oompa Loompa. And don’t forget the eyebrow manicure.

• Don’t put the red carpet host(ess) in the awkward position of having to include your unfamous date in the on-camera chat out of courtesy. They’re lucky to get your own name right, Best Sound Editing guy.

• Guys, the Jimmy Fallon just-got-out-of-bed coif is over. Step into a comb.

• As your friend I can tell you that you’ve gotten a little fat this winter. Three or four days’ starvation is not too much to ask if you want to nail that “gaunt” look. Plus, this year I hear they’re giving away eight-balls in the gift baskets. You are getting soooo laid tonight once we realize that we could eat our morning cereal out of your solar plexus.

• Always blame the TelePrompTer; break that fourth wall and spoil the illusion of chemistry for us.

• Go ahead and unseal the envelope while the clips are playing so I don’t have to endure your fumblings with it like a prom dress zipper.

• Nominees, that guy with the big camera on his shoulder in your aisle? He’s in cue and ready to broadcast the slightest change in your facial expression. Use those performance instincts to at least feign grace until he points in a different direction. Especially when you’ve just been robbed by that no-talent hack from Gray’s Anatomy.

• Get your ass down the aisle when your name pops out of the envelope. The clock is ticking, the orchestra’s only charted the first four measures of your theme, and there will be plenty of time to high-five your entourage when you return to your table.

• If you’re in the can when your name is called, California law states that your seat-filler can accept the award on your behalf.

• You have a 20-25% chance of winning, so pretend that you’ve at least considered this fact in advance, in spite of your modesty.

• The podium mic is already at the proper height. I realize you rap for a living, but you don’t have to eat the damn thing.

• Actors, if you can memorize a two-page monologue, surely the name of your agent shouldn’t escape you.

• Always good to point out Jack Nicholson in the front row. The guy needs some more face time.

• If we wanted to hear your opinions on foreign policy or social causes, the U.N. would book you. Tonight is about celebrating your craft. Give the booth a URL to your Web site, and they can key it in during your speech. “For the complete list of my gratitude, and opinions on fur, please visit GordonHighland.com.”

• Best Animated Short is fascinating, really, but please donate as much of your thirty-second speech as possible so they don’t have to play off Scorsese later.

• Could you ask someone if we can limit the In Memoriam segment to past nominees and winners only, please? You didn’t recognize them during their lifetime, so a postmortem three-second clip of a forgettable role is insulting.

• Go ahead and announce your new asking fee on the podium. It’s an honor just to be nominated, but those statues pad your back end.

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Going on Location

Talking writing here. Location is not simply what “frames the picture.”

As the scribe of your story, if you consider yourself its cinematographer or cameraman and the reader as projectionist, then location is your film stock. (Yeah, so it’s also your art department, but let’s stick to one analogy for now.) It provides the context against which everything else is staged. There’s a literal chemical reaction with the performance that’s burned into it.

Do you want something grainy? Vibrant? Black and white? High contrast? Fogged?

Determine what needs to happen in the scene, how the characters use each other for these needs, and then place the whole thing somewhere that provides its own set of additional obstacles. It’s all about heightening conflict. Write a shootout in a daycare center. A breakup in church. A homosexual’s outing during a KKK rally. You get the idea. Location amplifies tension. Enough talky diner scenes; if dialogue is all that’s on your characters’ menu, at least have them do it at a swingers party or in the back of an ambulance.

Location can become (and be written like) another character, be it unstable, comforting, evil, intoxicating—whatever. Make it breathe. This personification is known as pathetic fallacy, and lies in the details. Even a mundane setting like a bookstore can raise the stakes with some background quirks like the nauseating smell of overpriced coffee, talkative ghosts of dead authors, or an aisle full of sexual dysfunction books that mirror a character’s insecurities. Don’t beat the reader over the head with excess description, but let us know that it pervades the proceedings via a quick cutaway to the environment now and then. Anthropomorphize it; give it some human characteristics:

• The portraits eyeballed us along the lonely corridor, whispering for us to press onward.

• The bed swallowed her whole, while figurines danced on the nightstand and those glow-in-the-dark ceiling constellations mapped out her immediate future.

Especially in screenwriting, where you’re limited to visual and sonic descriptions (no feelings or inner monologue permitted), an effective technique is to use the external to reflect the internal. Emotionally. Sometimes it’s obvious, like an airplane experiencing turbulence while its passengers bicker, or an envious crush wearing a green dress. But it could also be a walk through an empty stadium by a struggling athlete, or a cold-feet bride who spots her parents arguing in the congregation.

If you don’t quite have a scene figured out yet, and need a little inspiration or solution-engineering, a dynamic location can help spur those ideas. A mausoleum, the drunk tank, a champagne room, the 6 train … fucked-up shit just happens there sometimes. Select the right film stock and your imagery will jump off the page.

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Open Up (Say “Ahh”)

Someone told me I should shoot all my video with the iris wide open, but I can’t remember why, and it doesn’t really make sense to me. Shed some light?

This person was probably assuming you were going for that much-hyped film look with your video.

Film looks the way it does for many reasons, but one of the main identifiers is depth of field, or lack of it, more accurately. That’s how much of the image is in acceptable focus from front to back. One giveaway that you’re shooting video is that most everything tends to be in focus, whereas film (because of the lenses beaming onto a relatively large negative compared to video’s tiny chips) tends to have a comparatively small depth of field. While some may see that as a disadvantage, in many circumstances it’s far sexier, as it draws your attention to what’s important and blurs the rest, like most portrait photography.

Iris affects depth of field. Wide open means that as little as possible will be in focus, while a stopped-down iris gives you deep focus, so that’s probably what s/he meant. Even more effective than iris, though, is lens length. For the smallest depth of field, combine a wide iris with the telephoto end of your zoom, physically moving the camera back until you get the desired framing. Best of all would be to use a 35mm lens adapter system, but those are pricey and cumbersome.

Speaking of exposure, a couple more things. A wide-open iris brightens the image, so this is the way to go if you need to maximize low light levels. But first check that any gain is disabled to avoid electronic noise. If you still don’t have enough sensitivity, check the shutter speed, and slow it down until you do. I wouldn’t go below 1/30, and preferably 1/60. Beyond that, you’ll need to augment with lights or change your position. In low-light situations, avoid the temptation to overexpose. Some parts of the frame are meant to go dark, so let them. A face doesn’t have to be at 75 IRE all the time (that’s Zone 6 for you Ansel Adams dorks). Digital cameras tend to be noisy in the blacks anyway, so let’s not accentuate them unnecessarily.

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1st and Ten

We’ve all seen the yellow/blue lines in football broadcasts that indicate the scrimmage and line to gain. Ever wonder how it works?

As you probably guessed, the line itself is superimposed via chromakey, so anything green- or dirt-colored gets replaced, as would any other solid color they choose. This is why player uniforms, shoes, field logos, etc. are unaffected. Simple enough. But how the lines are actually tracked in motion has left many scratching our heads.

A virtual map of the field is created by placing a laser in the center of the field and measuring the elevations from the middle crown to the edges. Then a handful of specific cameras are outfitted with units that sense and transmit the camera data to the truck, such as zoom distance, pan, and tilt degrees. At the truck, this geometry is then applied to the virtual map and superimposed over the camera’s image. Sort of the opposite of a motion track – now the camera’s movement is the variable instead of screen reference points.*

All the motion-tracking features of the broadcast are handled from this truck, including the Virtual Down and Distance (usually in the red zone), quarterback’s PassTrack, and Video-in-Perspective, where they superimpose network graphics/video over a fake jumbotron that appears to be part of the stadium, even as the camera moves.

Similar systems are now also used for every major sport. Check out the complete suite of services from Sportvision.

* Recording camera data is very common in the visual effects world, as it’s used both to replicate complex camera moves perfectly for multiple passes (to build composite elements), as well as to apply/sync them to animated 3D environments later.

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Variax Verdict

you’ve mentioned playing a [Line6] variax on here before, and i was thinking about picking one up online (no music stores around here), but how’s it play? how well does it track notes? . . . any other gotchas?

I would never buy a guitar that you can’t get under your fingers in person, but I can tell you it’s a quality axe.

As far as playability, I’d opt for the higher-end 700 model. Better wood, and it’s an archtop, which I’ve come to prefer over the years. Just the angle it creates where my wrist meets the bridge helps my picking accuracy a little compared to flattops. The Variax action isn’t the smoothness of say a PRS, but it’s pretty good, and feels very solid. I do wrestle it a little more, similar to fingering a Strat. It tends to need retuning every couple of songs, too, if you’re playing lead.

Tracking is excellent, nothing like a guitar synth or anything like that. All the articulation is there, from pinch harmonics to string noise, as it’s a piezo system. A tiny, tiny amount of delay that I’m not sure whether is the instrument or the POD I use with it. Switching tones is very fast also. It does not have a ton of sustain.

My biggest complaint, which is minor, is that it’s not great for heavy music. The guitar models tend to be more conservative/classic ones (the fattest sound is a Les Paul), and it excels at clean to overdriven sounds, but not metallic ones. You can still play it that way, of course, it just doesn’t quite have the crunch/bite of an Ibanez. My favorite tones are the Telecaster and Gretschs.

Other gotchas? You can’t just plug it into anything; it has to go through either its powered footswitch or, preferrably, digitally into a POD. I gigged with mine weekly in an 80s band requiring 20 custom patches. I kept a real humbucking guitar plugged into the other instrument jack on the POD, and simply rolled off the unused guitar’s volume.

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Movies I’d Pay to See

In high-concept Hollywood, idea is king. The single-sentence pitch. Here are a few of my aborted attempts at “star vehicles” for celebrities who could use a career-energizing role. Normally I don’t like to just give away my golden tickets for free, but I trust you people.

As Tom Cruise’s detective character nears retirement, he must take on a young hotshot partner who plays by his own rules.

The long-awaited Jet Li/Carrot Top buddy picture.

David Lynch directs a new installment in the Police Academy franchise.

Keanu Reeves is the acting coach hired by a fading Harvey Keitel’s producer to help refine the performance of a lifetime, which Harvey hopes will win back respect once seen.

Russell Crowe goes way undercover to help bring down a male prostitution ring.

Meg Ryan battles Tourette’s Syndrome against the backdrop of the Korean War.

Boy George must raise his two sons after their mother dies, balancing family life with his recent promotion at the construction company.

Paris Hilton and Tracy Morgan fall in love at a hot-dog-eating contest.

Kathy Bates is at the center of a love triangle involving two competitive fraternity brothers going through rush.

Tom Hanks fronts a punk band coming of age while experimenting with drugs and anarchy in 1977.

The Brat Pack reprise “The Breakfast Club” with new roles: Anthony Michael Hall as the burnout, Ally Sheedy as the princess, Judd Nelson as the jock, Molly Ringwald as the compulsive liar, and Emilio Estevez as the dork.

DEA agent Lisa Kudrow attempts to bring down the Vancouver marijuana cartel with the help of tagalong comic-relief journalist Vin Diesel.

Three words – Being John Travolta.

Will Smith and Beyoncé Knowles as Adam and Eve: the Hip-Hopera.

Anthony Hopkins in a Crocodile Hunter prequel.

Pauly Shore as an unfulfilled middle-school principal who works on an American History texbook in his spare time.

Jodie Foster, Susan Lucci, and Frances McDormand in a Charlie’s Angels sequel.

Crispin Glover befriends a co-worker, teaching him how to score with women in exchange for help with his business reports.

O.J. Simpson in a character study of a killer’s mind.

Kirsten Dunst in a coming-of-age tale set in prehistoric Mesopotamia.

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