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For those who aren’t following me on Twitter, 1) why not? and 2) I’ve collected some of my greatest brain droppings here for your amusement in <140-character bursts.
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Passengers seated in an exit row must be fluent in jive.
— Gordon Highland ? (@gordonhighland) October 18, 2023
Why add a bib when you can remove a shirt?
— Gordon Highland ? (@gordonhighland) September 14, 2023
Caftan & Chenille were a fashionable '70s duo.
— Gordon Highland ? (@gordonhighland) June 27, 2023
Seeing an unusual biz name, I like to imagine it's a family one, founded by, say, a Jefferson Whataburger or Biff Costco or Amelia Hooters.
I also avoid McDonald's because I'm not into Scottish cuisine.
— Gordon Highland ? (@gordonhighland) June 26, 2023
"Is Pepsi okay?" should be the name of their documentary.
— Gordon Highland ? (@gordonhighland) June 7, 2023
I like that part of the Queen song where they repeat everything for the hearing-impaired.
— Gordon Highland ? (@gordonhighland) May 5, 2023
If expecting guests to arrive costumed and masked, it would be helpful to specify that on your orgy invitation. Thanks.
— Gordon Highland ? (@gordonhighland) September 3, 2022
XL incels excel in cells.
— Gordon Highland ? (@gordonhighland) June 25, 2022
“You do you” sounds nicer than “Go fuck yourself.”
— Gordon Highland ? (@gordonhighland) June 18, 2022
A breakfast burrito is defined not by its ingredients but the hour at which it’s eaten.
— Gordon Highland ? (@gordonhighland) May 19, 2022
superlative bodily metaphors, ranked:
5) the bee’s knees
4) the fly’s eyes
3) the deer’s ears
2) the calf’s calves
1) the shit’s tits#coined— Gordon Highland ? (@gordonhighland) December 28, 2021
Hard not to take it personally when the cashier asks for a name to go with your order, yet at pickup still announces Three-Piece Mild, even though you haven’t gone by that since high school.
— Gordon Highland ? (@gordonhighland) October 9, 2021
The notion of a fantasy team seems too private for discussion. I’d kinda prefer mine not be in contact with one another, much less join a support group about me.
— Gordon Highland ? (@gordonhighland) September 8, 2021
I cut calories by eating doughnuts with holes.
— Gordon Highland ? (@gordonhighland) August 10, 2021
Ask your doctor if drug-seeking behavior is right for you.
— Gordon Highland ? (@gordonhighland) August 3, 2021
While I appreciate the offer, I was not being literal in that tweet when I said I was down to clown.
— Gordon Highland ? (@gordonhighland) April 24, 2021
“A watched pot never boils” were the frog’s final words.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) February 28, 2021
In 10 mins, Entenmann’s intimates entombments.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) January 27, 2021
I’m way better at keeping secrets than Linus, who’s always confiding in me about his wife Calista’s many perversions.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) October 2, 2020
If you wanna know what friends really think, just look who they cast to play you in the movie.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) June 13, 2020
Face/Off, I admit, was a better title than Penal Implant.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) June 4, 2020
unnecessary censorship #StarWars pic.twitter.com/LHv2gkmDVg
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) May 28, 2020
Until the seven-part filmed exposé of the 1980s, I was unaware of the rampant internal sabotage at America’s police academies. Even laughed about it, at first.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) April 26, 2020
Microwave someone’s burrito and you feed them for a day.
Teach them to CATCH a burrito and you’re a soccer team mascot.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) April 6, 2020
“You make me want to be a better person” is the ideal breakup excuse.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) February 15, 2020
Dory’s not so hunky anymore, but Dumpty remains humpty.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) December 28, 2019
If I had eight hours to chop down a tree, I’d spend five minutes of it googling local chainsaw rentals, a couple of hours doing Patrick Bateman and Leatherface cosplay, and the rest in an ER waiting room for finger reattachment.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) December 29, 2019
Dennis the Phantom Menace coulda been a funny sketch.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) December 11, 2019
“Dude, read the room,” she suggested when interrupted for a recommendation.
Librarians.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) October 26, 2019
She came from a long line of nuns.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) September 30, 2019
You know how good it is because of what a popular baby name Arby became.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) September 15, 2019
It’s kinder to just say “they broke the mold after you,” rather than detailing the truth of the mold’s descent into depression and self-imposed exile.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) July 8, 2019
Our understanding of animal intelligence is limited by human intelligence.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) April 25, 2019
Someone jumping in front of your car doesn’t obligate you to run them over.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) April 14, 2019
If you want my advice, I’d say be less reliant on the counsel of others.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) March 7, 2019
You can’t have all of the feels without some of the -philias.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) February 5, 2019
Imagine how Cap’n Crunch must feel being passed over for that admiral promotion YET AGAIN. There’s a nice reminder to start your day. Dude’s like the anti-Wheaties.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) January 24, 2019
The victim of the pantsing had been debriefed in advance.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) December 10, 2018
Cleaning my bathroom mirror reminds me how the advent of HD probably retired a lot of porn stars.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) December 9, 2018
I don’t date actors, because they lie for a living, and they don’t date me because they don’t want to.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) December 5, 2018
What really grinds my gears is insufficient engine lubrication.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) November 4, 2018
“relationshit” – mandatory activities that single people are excused from #coined
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) October 27, 2018
a film about an outbreak-containment camp called Tentin Quarantino
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) October 11, 2018
Hey, look at it this way: By the time Mozart was your age, he was long dead.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) September 1, 2018
There once was a man from Nantucket
who consumed fried chicken by the bucket
We don’t speak his name, may he rest aflame
But I could peck it out or cluck it— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) July 14, 2018
When you haven’t followed the news recently, terms like “Waffle House hero” are alarming. Hell, I was alarmed when I just thought it was a sandwich.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) April 26, 2018
Bowfinger is the most epic FedEx commercial ever produced.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) March 24, 2018
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) March 22, 2018
Man Dies Attempting Masturbation Record, Nearly Pulls it Off
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) December 20, 2017
Yo, stay in your lane, fam. pic.twitter.com/Z2iqHmU07S
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) December 12, 2017
Some days you’re the Hall, and some days you’re the Oates.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) October 25, 2017
If I’m the only one eating from a “party size” bag of chips, it’s still technically a party, right?
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) October 21, 2017
Same Saab story: Can’t a Ford to let your Nissan the road cause she drives Cadillac she’s Audi her mind. Her insurance Fiat to be higher.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) October 20, 2017
Suggested unnecessary plural forms:
Lamborgheen
juggaleaux
Viagrae
covfefera
bankruptci
Armageddia
dominatrices
pharmas-bro
Yngswie— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) October 19, 2017
Why I’m a good producer, vol. 37:
An interview subject asks if she can make herself decent first.
“Hard to say,” I confess. “We just met.”— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) October 1, 2017
Some actors’ finest work is feigning surprise when a topic comes up on the talk-show couch.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) September 2, 2017
They say Valyrian steel is harder than Littlefinger at a Stark quinceañera. #GameofThrones
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) August 7, 2017
My next Italian metal band will be called Nütellica.
Our backstage rider will include a pretty sweet spread.— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) July 15, 2017
Just renamed my “Friends” photo album to “Known Associates” because that sounds way more badass and I like to help the government.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) July 8, 2017
“Spicy white & small fry!” she announced.
Either your Popeye’s order is up, or the CBS brass will now hear your ’80s buddy-cop series pitch.— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) April 6, 2017
I see your smoking jacket and raise you a pair of vaping sweats.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) February 26, 2017
Going by its commercials, daytime-TV viewers are waaaay more litigious than I presumed.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) January 6, 2017
There are apps for listening to police radios. I want one that can tune in to Taco Bell drives-thru around the country after midnight.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) January 4, 2017
I’m stuck at a green light behind a vehicle covered in ads for a drug that claims to improve alertness and mental acuity. #irony
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) December 3, 2016
There isn’t nearly enough tequila in this chicken margherita.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) December 2, 2016
I invite you to participate in my seasonal giving program, which this year I’m calling Zero Fucks.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) November 15, 2016
I’m worried that your political bumper sticker might cause my brakes to fail.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) November 8, 2016
Fonzie was able to conduct business with speed and efficiency because of how bad his office smelled.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) October 4, 2016
Welcome to America, where we measure sandwiches in feet, and whose fiercest proponents of the metric system are cokeheads.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) September 9, 2016
The Olympic theme music was playing in my head as I arose from bed this afternoon.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) August 8, 2016
“Did you just order a $5 shake?” he asked his date, having dropped $1500 on three grams of smack en route to pick her up. #PulpFiction
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) July 29, 2016
I just want to slip into a warm bath and pray the neighbors don’t have a security system.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) January 30, 2016
In hindsight, Freddy Krueger was not the ideal pitchman for Ambien.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) January 15, 2016
Now is when we reflect on the year and resolve to make change, because expectations are high and we’re a cashier.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) December 31, 2015
I checked the mailbox despite it being Columbus Day because fuck that guy.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) October 12, 2015
Hi, is this a good time? Because that’s what the number on the bathroom wall promised.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) July 8, 2015
It’s solid marketing not to label large boxes of condoms “family-sized.”
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) June 10, 2015
If I discovered a hot tub time machine, I’d use it to travel back and stop the production of a movie.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) January 27, 2015
The reason songs are $$$ to license is because you can’t hear “Sussudio” without picturing Patrick Bateman eyebanging himself in the mirror.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) May 8, 2014
How to cut steak: New Hampshire, Vermont, New Hampshire, Vermont, ad infinitum.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) September 29, 2013
Man to gas-station clerk: “I need to prepay for #2.”
My sympathies go out the restroom attendant.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) December 1, 2012
It was the Beck of times, it was the Durst of times. #storystarters
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) January 18, 2011
