Follow @gordonhighland
For those who aren’t following me on Twitter, 1) why not? and 2) I’ve collected some of my greatest brain droppings here for your amusement in <140-character bursts.
Please be patient while this page loads. Lots of embeds.
When clearing my throat, I often imagine it’s a ZZ Top lyric.
— Gordon Highland ? (@gordonhighland) November 10, 2022
If expecting guests to arrive costumed and masked, it would be helpful to specify that on your orgy invitation. Thanks.
— Gordon Highland ? (@gordonhighland) September 3, 2022
Your move, Whitesnake. https://t.co/v7Kfd7AFfq
— Gordon Highland ? (@gordonhighland) August 1, 2022
XL incels excel in cells.
— Gordon Highland ? (@gordonhighland) June 25, 2022
“You do you” sounds nicer than “Go fuck yourself.”
— Gordon Highland ? (@gordonhighland) June 18, 2022
A breakfast burrito is defined not by its ingredients but the hour at which it’s eaten.
— Gordon Highland ? (@gordonhighland) May 19, 2022
superlative bodily metaphors, ranked:
5) the bee’s knees
4) the fly’s eyes
3) the deer’s ears
2) the calf’s calves
1) the shit’s tits#coined— Gordon Highland ? (@gordonhighland) December 28, 2021
The perineum: ‘taint the front door and ‘taint the back, but somewhere in between. pic.twitter.com/zbaHJpl3Cs
— Gordon Highland ? (@gordonhighland) December 19, 2021
Hard not to take it personally when the cashier asks for a name to go with your order, yet at pickup still announces Three-Piece Mild, even though you haven’t gone by that since high school.
— Gordon Highland ? (@gordonhighland) October 9, 2021
I thought about trying to watch every Nic Cage movie, but who wants to live forever?
— Gordon Highland ? (@gordonhighland) September 12, 2021
The notion of a fantasy team seems too private for discussion. I’d kinda prefer mine not be in contact with one another, much less join a support group about me.
— Gordon Highland ? (@gordonhighland) September 8, 2021
I cut calories by eating doughnuts with holes.
— Gordon Highland ? (@gordonhighland) August 10, 2021
Ask your doctor if drug-seeking behavior is right for you.
— Gordon Highland ? (@gordonhighland) August 3, 2021
I enjoy recording Animoji videos, because someone can be like, “We really want to put a face to this project, just not … y’know … YOUR face” without hurting my feelings or requiring pants.
— Gordon Highland ? (@gordonhighland) May 6, 2021
While I appreciate the offer, I was not being literal in that tweet when I said I was down to clown.
— Gordon Highland ? (@gordonhighland) April 24, 2021
With age, I’m more likely to help you move a body than your home.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) March 27, 2021
“A watched pot never boils” were the frog’s final words.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) February 28, 2021
In 10 mins, Entenmann’s intimates entombments.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) January 27, 2021
Feel free to sing this tweet to the tune “November Rain.”
(preferably the previous one, but whatever)
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) January 31, 2021
Wanted to bid on that Rush drum kit until learning it was used.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) December 12, 2020
I’m way better at keeping secrets than Linus, who’s always confiding in me about his wife Calista’s many perversions.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) October 2, 2020
It doesn’t matter to me, she said. pic.twitter.com/4RBgLKXy9z
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) July 12, 2020
If you wanna know what friends really think, just look who they cast to play you in the movie.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) June 13, 2020
Face/Off, I admit, was a better title than Penal Implant.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) June 4, 2020
unnecessary censorship #StarWars pic.twitter.com/LHv2gkmDVg
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) May 28, 2020
Until the seven-part filmed exposé of the 1980s, I was unaware of the rampant internal sabotage at America’s police academies. Even laughed about it, at first.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) April 26, 2020
Microwave someone’s burrito and you feed them for a day.
Teach them to CATCH a burrito and you’re a soccer team mascot.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) April 6, 2020
I hate waiting around on people. That’s why I’m always late.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) March 7, 2020
“You make me want to be a better person” is the ideal breakup excuse.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) February 15, 2020
Dory’s not so hunky anymore, but Dumpty remains humpty.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) December 28, 2019
If I had eight hours to chop down a tree, I’d spend five minutes of it googling local chainsaw rentals, a couple of hours doing Patrick Bateman and Leatherface cosplay, and the rest in an ER waiting room for finger reattachment.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) December 29, 2019
Dennis the Phantom Menace coulda been a funny sketch.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) December 11, 2019
“Dude, read the room,” she suggested when interrupted for a recommendation.
Librarians.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) October 26, 2019
She came from a long line of nuns.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) September 30, 2019
You know how good it is because of what a popular baby name Arby became.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) September 15, 2019
It’s kinder to just say “they broke the mold after you,” rather than detailing the truth of the mold’s descent into depression and self-imposed exile.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) July 8, 2019
Our understanding of animal intelligence is limited by human intelligence.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) April 25, 2019
Someone jumping in front of your car doesn’t obligate you to run them over.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) April 14, 2019
Meet George Jetson
his boy Elroy
daughter Judy
Jane, his wife
her lover Peyton
lawyer Fonzie
cam-girl Starla
John, the cuck
Father Lòpez
deplorable Pam
hologram Dio
and Rosie the robot maid— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) March 19, 2019
If you want my advice, I’d say be less reliant on the counsel of others.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) March 7, 2019
You can’t have all of the feels without some of the -philias.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) February 5, 2019
Imagine how Cap’n Crunch must feel being passed over for that admiral promotion YET AGAIN. There’s a nice reminder to start your day. Dude’s like the anti-Wheaties.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) January 24, 2019
Got my beard stuck in a zipper for the first time. It was my own. And not in that impressive way.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) December 26, 2018
The victim of the pantsing had been debriefed in advance.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) December 10, 2018
Cleaning my bathroom mirror reminds me how the advent of HD probably retired a lot of porn stars.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) December 9, 2018
I don’t date actors, because they lie for a living, and they don’t date me because they don’t want to.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) December 5, 2018
What really grinds my gears is insufficient engine lubrication.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) November 4, 2018
“relationshit” – mandatory activities that single people are excused from #coined
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) October 27, 2018
a film about an outbreak-containment camp called Tentin Quarantino
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) October 11, 2018
Hey, look at it this way: By the time Mozart was your age, he was long dead.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) September 1, 2018
Hearing “Peg” always reminds me that Steely Dan was named after a dildo.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) August 18, 2018
There once was a man from Nantucket
who consumed fried chicken by the bucket
We don’t speak his name, may he rest aflame
But I could peck it out or cluck it— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) July 14, 2018
When you haven’t followed the news recently, terms like “Waffle House hero” are alarming. Hell, I was alarmed when I just thought it was a sandwich.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) April 26, 2018
Bowfinger is the most epic FedEx commercial ever produced.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) March 24, 2018
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) March 22, 2018
There are many appropriate responses when a friend tells you they recently got a breast augmentation, but “Oh, yeah?” is definitely not one.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) January 29, 2018
Man Dies Attempting Masturbation Record, Nearly Pulls it Off
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) December 20, 2017
Yo, stay in your lane, fam. pic.twitter.com/Z2iqHmU07S
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) December 12, 2017
No, I don’t think The Unmolested would be a good name for your son’s sports team.
However, that won’t stop me from suggesting it.— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) December 10, 2017
Some days you’re the Hall, and some days you’re the Oates.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) October 25, 2017
If I’m the only one eating from a “party size” bag of chips, it’s still technically a party, right?
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) October 21, 2017
Same Saab story: Can’t a Ford to let your Nissan the road cause she drives Cadillac she’s Audi her mind. Her insurance Fiat to be higher.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) October 20, 2017
Suggested unnecessary plural forms:
Lamborgheen
juggaleaux
Viagrae
covfefera
bankruptci
Armageddia
dominatrices
pharmas-bro
Yngswie— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) October 19, 2017
Why I’m a good producer, vol. 37:
An interview subject asks if she can make herself decent first.
“Hard to say,” I confess. “We just met.”— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) October 1, 2017
Let’s assume for a moment that Toyota never intended their logo to look like a steampunk diaphragm.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) September 24, 2017
Whenever someone says “Don’t quit your day job,” I’m encouraged they think me employable.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) September 4, 2017
Some actors’ finest work is feigning surprise when a topic comes up on the talk-show couch.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) September 2, 2017
The next presidential library will be a large golden room, empty but for a flatscreen looping Fox News stories.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) August 14, 2017
They say Valyrian steel is harder than Littlefinger at a Stark quinceañera. #GameofThrones
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) August 7, 2017
My next Italian metal band will be called Nütellica.
Our backstage rider will include a pretty sweet spread.— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) July 15, 2017
Just renamed my “Friends” photo album to “Known Associates” because that sounds way more badass and I like to help the government.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) July 8, 2017
Buzzfeed says I’m 17% white, so that’s what I’m putting on forms from now on.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) July 6, 2017
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) July 1, 2017
We need to talk about your flair, Sheriff Clarke.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) May 17, 2017
The likelihood that the yoga-pants wearer just came from yoga is about the same as the mobster being on his way to a track meet. #activewear
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) April 23, 2017
Sure, I’ve got 6 hours to watch a WWI documentary.
I’d thought it was only 2, which became 4, then 6, but I guess that’s also how war is.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) April 14, 2017
“Spicy white & small fry!” she announced.
Either your Popeye’s order is up, or the CBS brass will now hear your ’80s buddy-cop series pitch.— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) April 6, 2017
I see your smoking jacket and raise you a pair of vaping sweats.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) February 26, 2017
SHE: You have to work really hard to offend me.
ME: Good. But I’m willing to put in the hours.— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) February 10, 2017
Going by its commercials, daytime-TV viewers are waaaay more litigious than I presumed.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) January 6, 2017
There are apps for listening to police radios. I want one that can tune in to Taco Bell drives-thru around the country after midnight.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) January 4, 2017
I’m stuck at a green light behind a vehicle covered in ads for a drug that claims to improve alertness and mental acuity. #irony
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) December 3, 2016
There isn’t nearly enough tequila in this chicken margherita.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) December 2, 2016
I invite you to participate in my seasonal giving program, which this year I’m calling Zero Fucks.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) November 15, 2016
I’m worried that your political bumper sticker might cause my brakes to fail.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) November 8, 2016
Fonzie was able to conduct business with speed and efficiency because of how bad his office smelled.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) October 4, 2016
Welcome to America, where we measure sandwiches in feet, and whose fiercest proponents of the metric system are cokeheads.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) September 9, 2016
The Olympic theme music was playing in my head as I arose from bed this afternoon.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) August 8, 2016
“Did you just order a $5 shake?” he asked his date, having dropped $1500 on three grams of smack en route to pick her up. #PulpFiction
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) July 29, 2016
One of my favorite films was produced by refrigerating pudding.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) May 10, 2016
Yo momma so fat, when she throws shade, crops fail.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) April 28, 2016
I just want to slip into a warm bath and pray the neighbors don’t have a security system.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) January 30, 2016
In hindsight, Freddy Krueger was not the ideal pitchman for Ambien.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) January 15, 2016
Now is when we reflect on the year and resolve to make change, because expectations are high and we’re a cashier.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) December 31, 2015
I checked the mailbox despite it being Columbus Day because fuck that guy.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) October 12, 2015
I dunno, Sher, that looks like a Cobra terrorist plot from an ’80s cartoon. pic.twitter.com/mTzo2j0SmG
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) September 6, 2015
Hi, is this a good time? Because that’s what the number on the bathroom wall promised.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) July 8, 2015
It’s solid marketing not to label large boxes of condoms “family-sized.”
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) June 10, 2015
Jesus, take the wheel. That cop looks pissed, and I can’t have another DUI. Also, please try to keep blood off of it this time.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) May 9, 2015
If I discovered a hot tub time machine, I’d use it to travel back and stop the production of a movie.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) January 27, 2015
The reason songs are $$$ to license is because you can’t hear “Sussudio” without picturing Patrick Bateman eyebanging himself in the mirror.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) May 8, 2014
How to cut steak: New Hampshire, Vermont, New Hampshire, Vermont, ad infinitum.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) September 29, 2013
The beef lobby may be a powerful legislative influence, but it’s also a hilarious vaginal euphemism.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) May 13, 2013
Man to gas-station clerk: “I need to prepay for #2.”
My sympathies go out the restroom attendant.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) December 1, 2012
It was the Beck of times, it was the Durst of times. #storystarters
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) January 18, 2011
