My Television Education

I like to think that all those years spent in front of the idiot box made me a better person. TV is a great way to learn about how the world works. Were it not for television, I would never have come to realize that:

No one actually works at their jobs; they are there purely for social interaction.

All professional male/female workplace conflicts are rooted in sexual tension.

Nearly everyone in the world has given up smoking.

All I have to do is order “a beer” – the bartender decides which brand for me.

McDonald’s food makes for popular party hors d’oeuvres. Forget the cheese ball and spinach dip. They don’t want wine, they want Fanta.

People don’t curse nearly as much as I’d suspected.

With a slight wave of my hand, I can conjure up a gang of thugs who will surround my unsuspecting enemy.

Every hospital emergency room comes with a Steadicam operator.

People in relationships are very good at describing their feelings using precise metaphors.

A security camera video can be enhanced to any magnification.

No kids are ugly. And if adults are ugly, they’re either dumb, evil, or funny.

Call girls:
• are all models
• mainly service attractive, wealthy clientele
• give it away to detectives for free
• conduct business at their home in a canopy bed
• routinely murder their clients

Cinemax has taught me that breast augmentation is especially popular among female detectives, librarians, photographers, and designers.

“Good-bye” is totally unnecessary when ending a phone conversation.

If a criminal recaptures a computer disk containing incriminating information about him, he will be vindicated. No one ever backs this shit up.

No woman is ever 20 lbs overweight. Only too thin or fat enough to be considered “the fat one.”

Fat guys with lame jobs (and their own sitcom) date beautiful women.

All women are secretly bisexual. Never men, though. But if they’re gay, it’s really funny!

Most families start getting ready for school or work at 10:00 am (that’s how bright it is outside). And it’s normal for neighbors to come hang out during this time as well.

It’s easier to hear that something bad happened if a beautiful news anchor tells me.

Sportscasters can read minds, and will tell us exactly what athletes are thinking when they make a play.

Cops always want to do the right thing, and they’ll put their jobs on the line for it weekly if need be.

Supermodels love beer and the men who drink it.

A large number of acquaintances who hang around Tony Soprano coincidentally end up dead. You’d think people would find new friends after awhile.

About Gordon

Gordon Highland is the author of the novels Flashover and Major Inversions, with short stories in such publications as Word Riot, Black Heart, Noir at the Bar Vol. 2, and Warmed and Bound, among others. He lives in the Kansas City area, where he makes videos by day and music by night.
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