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Truths, Vol. 6

Oct 12 2008 Posted by in humor | Comments Off on Truths, Vol. 6

Another installment of original musings:

• Borrowed time and stolen moments are those of which we take the most ownership.

• Dan Brown’s cure for writer’s block is to hang upside down. However, there is no known cure for ingesting his actual writing.

• Speeding up the music in a Cialis commercial creates a porn soundtrack. Porn in which man and woman bathe in separate tubs. Outdoors. What we can’t see is that his is filled with nearly four hours’ worth of ice.

• If Jesus ever does return, no one would even give him a book deal. He’d have better luck resurrecting as Heath Ledger.

• Chinese Democracy will achieve a better global reception than America’s version has.

• Most cameras tell the truth. Context is the lie. Editors distort and manipulate truth for a living.

• Drummers may not get as much tail as singers, yet their rates of venereal disease remain equal.

• Sometimes a loose G-string actually results in a high pitch.

• Reading without suspicion is more dangerous than blogging without authority.

• Judging a band’s quality by their MySpace playlist is like holding a wine-tasting in the restroom.

• An actress’s shelf life requires many more additives and preservatives than her male counterparts’.

• Photoshop dermatology is far more effective than the real thing. And less painful than gastric bypass surgery.

• No one ever really wants to hear a bass solo except for other bass players. And even they’ll deny it.

• Art needn’t be appreciated to meet its definition.

• Twenty-four frames per second, 24 hours in a day. Coincidence? Yes.

• No one ever blamed a verbal gaffe on a microphone malfunction.

• Most writers are to social skills what greeting cards are to the illiterate.