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A collection of some of my greatest brain droppings in <140-character bursts.
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I don’t think I could boil lobster, because I don’t even like hearing hot dogs scream in the microwave.
— Gordon Highland ? (@gordonhighland) September 5, 2024
It should ask at checkout whether you’d like to remove the other items from your cart when buying condoms online.
— Gordon Highland ? (@gordonhighland) August 16, 2024
Might need new glasses when an email about “your upcoming autopay” panics you because you thought it said “autopsy” and dread the pre-op.
— Gordon Highland ? (@gordonhighland) May 20, 2024
Passengers seated in an exit row must be fluent in jive.
— Gordon Highland ? (@gordonhighland) October 18, 2023
Why add a bib when you can remove a shirt?
— Gordon Highland ? (@gordonhighland) September 14, 2023
Seeing an unusual biz name, I like to imagine it’s a family one, founded by, say, a Jefferson Whataburger or Biff Costco or Amelia Hooters.
I also avoid McDonald’s because I’m not into Scottish cuisine.
— Gordon Highland ? (@gordonhighland) June 26, 2023
“Is Pepsi okay?” should be the name of their documentary.
— Gordon Highland ? (@gordonhighland) June 7, 2023
XL incels excel in cells.
— Gordon Highland ? (@gordonhighland) June 25, 2022
“You do you” sounds nicer than “Go fuck yourself.”
— Gordon Highland ? (@gordonhighland) June 18, 2022
superlative bodily metaphors, ranked:
5) the bee’s knees
4) the fly’s eyes
3) the deer’s ears
2) the calf’s calves
1) the shit’s tits#coined— Gordon Highland ? (@gordonhighland) December 28, 2021
Hard not to take it personally when the cashier asks for a name to go with your order, yet at pickup still announces Three-Piece Mild, even though you haven’t gone by that since high school.
— Gordon Highland ? (@gordonhighland) October 9, 2021
The notion of a fantasy team seems too private for discussion. I’d kinda prefer mine not be in contact with one another, much less join a support group about me.
— Gordon Highland ? (@gordonhighland) September 8, 2021
I cut calories by eating doughnuts with holes.
— Gordon Highland ? (@gordonhighland) August 10, 2021
Ask your doctor if drug-seeking behavior is right for you.
— Gordon Highland ? (@gordonhighland) August 3, 2021
While I appreciate the offer, I was not being literal in that tweet when I said I was down to clown.
— Gordon Highland ? (@gordonhighland) April 24, 2021
In 10 mins, Entenmann’s intimates entombments.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) January 27, 2021
If you wanna know what friends really think, just look who they cast to play you in the movie.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) June 13, 2020
Face/Off, I admit, was a better title than Penal Implant.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) June 4, 2020
unnecessary censorship #StarWars pic.twitter.com/LHv2gkmDVg
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) May 28, 2020
Until the seven-part filmed exposé of the 1980s, I was unaware of the rampant internal sabotage at America’s police academies. Even laughed about it, at first.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) April 26, 2020
Microwave someone’s burrito and you feed them for a day.
Teach them to CATCH a burrito and you’re a soccer team mascot.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) April 6, 2020
“You make me want to be a better person” is the ideal breakup excuse.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) February 15, 2020
If I had eight hours to chop down a tree, I’d spend five minutes of it googling local chainsaw rentals, a couple of hours doing Patrick Bateman and Leatherface cosplay, and the rest in an ER waiting room for finger reattachment.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) December 29, 2019
“Dude, read the room,” she suggested when interrupted for a recommendation.
Librarians.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) October 26, 2019
She came from a long line of nuns.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) September 30, 2019
You know how good it is because of what a popular baby name Arby became.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) September 15, 2019
Our understanding of animal intelligence is limited by human intelligence.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) April 25, 2019
If you want my advice, I’d say be less reliant on the counsel of others.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) March 7, 2019
You can’t have all of the feels without some of the -philias.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) February 5, 2019
The victim of the pantsing had been debriefed in advance.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) December 10, 2018
I don’t date actors, because they lie for a living, and they don’t date me because they don’t want to.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) December 5, 2018
What really grinds my gears is insufficient engine lubrication.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) November 4, 2018
“relationshit” – mandatory activities that single people are excused from #coined
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) October 27, 2018
a film about an outbreak-containment camp called Tentin Quarantino
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) October 11, 2018
Hey, look at it this way: By the time Mozart was your age, he was long dead.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) September 1, 2018
There once was a man from Nantucket
who consumed fried chicken by the bucket
We don’t speak his name, may he rest aflame
But I could peck it out or cluck it— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) July 14, 2018
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) March 22, 2018
Yo, stay in your lane, fam. pic.twitter.com/Z2iqHmU07S
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) December 12, 2017
Some days you’re the Hall, and some days you’re the Oates.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) October 25, 2017
If I’m the only one eating from a “party size” bag of chips, it’s still technically a party, right?
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) October 21, 2017
Same Saab story: Can’t a Ford to let your Nissan the road cause she drives Cadillac she’s Audi her mind. Her insurance Fiat to be higher.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) October 20, 2017
Suggested unnecessary plural forms:
Lamborgheen
juggaleaux
Viagrae
covfefera
bankruptci
Armageddia
dominatrices
pharmas-bro
Yngswie— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) October 19, 2017
Why I’m a good producer, vol. 37:
An interview subject asks if she can make herself decent first.
“Hard to say,” I confess. “We just met.”— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) October 1, 2017
My next Italian metal band will be called Nütellica.
Our backstage rider will include a pretty sweet spread.— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) July 15, 2017
I see your smoking jacket and raise you a pair of vaping sweats.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) February 26, 2017
I invite you to participate in my seasonal giving program, which this year I’m calling Zero Fucks.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) November 15, 2016
I’m worried that your political bumper sticker might cause my brakes to fail.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) November 8, 2016
The Olympic theme music was playing in my head as I arose from bed this afternoon.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) August 8, 2016
“Did you just order a $5 shake?” he asked his date, having dropped $1500 on three grams of smack en route to pick her up. #PulpFiction
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) July 29, 2016
I just want to slip into a warm bath and pray the neighbors don’t have a security system.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) January 30, 2016
Now is when we reflect on the year and resolve to make change, because expectations are high and we’re a cashier.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) December 31, 2015
Hi, is this a good time? Because that’s what the number on the bathroom wall promised.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) July 8, 2015
If I discovered a hot tub time machine, I’d use it to travel back and stop the production of a movie.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) January 27, 2015
Man to gas-station clerk: “I need to prepay for #2.”
My sympathies go out the restroom attendant.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) December 1, 2012
It was the Beck of times, it was the Durst of times. #storystarters
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) January 18, 2011
