A sad, sad day in the kingdom. George Carlin dead at age 71. I had the pleasure of seeing him live (rhymes with dive, not give – but both, really), as did many, thanks to his grueling tour schedule. Especially in later years, he loved to poke fun at Death, and I can only imagine what stipulations his will demanded. Here are a some morbid quotables clipped shamelessly from the man’s books.
“I enjoy watching reruns of Saturday Night Live and counting all the dead people.”
“A graveyard always has to start with a single body. Unless the local people get lucky and there’s a nice big bus accident in town.”
“When I was a kid, I can remember saying ‘cross my heart and hope to die.’ I’d like to confess now that I never really meant that second part.
“After you die, your stuff becomes your ‘personal effects.'”
“I’m always relieved when someone’s delivering a eulogy and I realize I’m listening to it.”
“If you find some time left on a parking meter, I think you should be able to add it to the end of your life. Minus the time you spent on hold.”
“I made a bargain with the devil. I would get famous, and he would get to fuck my sister.”
“I finally accepted Jesus. Not as my personal savior, but as a man I intend to borrow money from.”
“When a ghostwriter dies, how many people come back?”
“Imagine meeting your maker and finding out it’s Frito-Lay.”
“Heart disease changed my eating habits, but I still cook bacon just for the smell.”
“Life is a near-death experience.”
“If I had my choice of how to die, I would be sitting on the crosstown bus and suddenly burst into flames.”
“The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American just passed each other going in opposite directions.”
“I hope the world ends during the daytime. I want to watch the “film at 11.”
“Live and let live, that’s what I say. Anyone who can’t understand that should be killed. It’s always worked well in my family.”
“Just once I’d like to see a high-speed funeral procession. Maybe someday a race-car driver will put that in his will.”
“A great epitaph: I want everyone to know it was great being alive. I especially enjoyed fucking and going to the movies.”
“One nice thing about being dead is that you immediately become eligible to appear on stamps and money.”
