Twisdom
Follow @gordonhighland
For those who aren’t following me on Twitter, 1) why not? and 2) I’ve collected some of my greatest brain droppings here for your amusement in <140-character bursts.
Please be patient while this page loads. Lots of embeds.
I’m way better at keeping secrets than Linus, who’s always confiding in me about his wife Calista’s many perversions.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) October 2, 2020
It doesn’t matter to me, she said. pic.twitter.com/4RBgLKXy9z
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) July 12, 2020
If you wanna know what friends really think, just look who they cast to play you in the movie.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) June 13, 2020
Face/Off, I admit, was a better title than Penal Implant.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) June 4, 2020
unnecessary censorship #StarWars pic.twitter.com/LHv2gkmDVg
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) May 28, 2020
I think I understand …
? evangelical concert
? Chubby Rain
? €93
? belligerence
? platonic
? Shriner fez
? eerie
? astronaut
? Santeria cleanse
?? you are witness to a great Becoming— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) May 7, 2020
When staying at Pankot Palace, try to get a room on an upper floor. There are cult attractions and thriving nightlife downstairs, but the wine gave me heartburn and it’s not kid-friendly (hellish foundation issues). Walking distance from Delhi for a short round trip.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) May 17, 2020
Until the seven-part filmed exposé of the 1980s, I was unaware of the rampant internal sabotage at America’s police academies. Even laughed about it, at first.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) April 26, 2020
Microwave someone’s burrito and you feed them for a day.
Teach them to CATCH a burrito and you’re a soccer team mascot.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) April 6, 2020
I hate waiting around on people. That’s why I’m always late.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) March 7, 2020
“You make me want to be a better person” is the ideal breakup excuse.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) February 15, 2020
Dory’s not so hunky anymore, but Dumpty remains humpty.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) December 28, 2019
If I had eight hours to chop down a tree, I’d spend five minutes of it googling local chainsaw rentals, a couple of hours doing Patrick Bateman and Leatherface cosplay, and the rest in an ER waiting room for finger reattachment.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) December 29, 2019
Dennis the Phantom Menace coulda been a funny sketch.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) December 11, 2019
“Dude, read the room,” she suggested when interrupted for a recommendation.
Librarians.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) October 26, 2019
I’m okay with schools teaching the word “fuckton” if it’ll get us on Metric more quickly.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) October 22, 2019
She came from a long line of nuns.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) September 30, 2019
You know how good it is because of what a popular baby name Arby became.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) September 15, 2019
It’s kinder to just say “they broke the mold after you,” rather than detailing the truth of the mold’s descent into depression and self-imposed exile.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) July 8, 2019
Our understanding of animal intelligence is limited by human intelligence.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) April 25, 2019
Someone jumping in front of your car doesn’t obligate you to run them over.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) April 14, 2019
… if the price is right. #ForTheThrone https://t.co/c0fc5LXd6L
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) April 4, 2019
Meet George Jetson
his boy Elroy
daughter Judy
Jane, his wife
her lover Peyton
lawyer Fonzie
cam-girl Starla
John, the cuck
Father Lòpez
deplorable Pam
hologram Dio
and Rosie the robot maid— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) March 19, 2019
If you want my advice, I’d say be less reliant on the counsel of others.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) March 7, 2019
You can’t have all of the feels without some of the -philias.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) February 5, 2019
Imagine how Cap’n Crunch must feel being passed over for that admiral promotion YET AGAIN. There’s a nice reminder to start your day. Dude’s like the anti-Wheaties.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) January 24, 2019
Got my beard stuck in a zipper for the first time. It was my own. And not in that impressive way.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) December 26, 2018
The victim of the pantsing had been debriefed in advance.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) December 10, 2018
Cleaning my bathroom mirror reminds me how the advent of HD probably retired a lot of porn stars.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) December 9, 2018
I don’t date actors, because they lie for a living, and they don’t date me because they don’t want to.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) December 5, 2018
? She was a size 14
Kept her skin real clean
Mama was a senator from Tennessee … ? pic.twitter.com/OE2FnfCb7O— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) November 28, 2018
What really grinds my gears is insufficient engine lubrication.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) November 4, 2018
“relationshit” – mandatory activities that single people are excused from #coined
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) October 27, 2018
a film about an outbreak-containment camp called Tentin Quarantino
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) October 11, 2018
Hey, look at it this way: By the time Mozart was your age, he was long dead.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) September 1, 2018
Hearing “Peg” always reminds me that Steely Dan was named after a dildo.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) August 18, 2018
There once was a man from Nantucket
who consumed fried chicken by the bucket
We don’t speak his name, may he rest aflame
But I could peck it out or cluck it— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) July 14, 2018
When you haven’t followed the news recently, terms like “Waffle House hero” are alarming. Hell, I was alarmed when I just thought it was a sandwich.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) April 26, 2018
Bowfinger is the most epic FedEx commercial ever produced.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) March 24, 2018
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) March 22, 2018
There are many appropriate responses when a friend tells you they recently got a breast augmentation, but “Oh, yeah?” is definitely not one.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) January 29, 2018
Man Dies Attempting Masturbation Record, Nearly Pulls it Off
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) December 20, 2017
Yo, stay in your lane, fam. pic.twitter.com/Z2iqHmU07S
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) December 12, 2017
No, I don’t think The Unmolested would be a good name for your son’s sports team.
However, that won’t stop me from suggesting it.— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) December 10, 2017
Some days you’re the Hall, and some days you’re the Oates.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) October 25, 2017
If I’m the only one eating from a “party size” bag of chips, it’s still technically a party, right?
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) October 21, 2017
Same Saab story: Can’t a Ford to let your Nissan the road cause she drives Cadillac she’s Audi her mind. Her insurance Fiat to be higher.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) October 20, 2017
Suggested unnecessary plural forms:
Lamborgheen
juggaleaux
Viagrae
covfefera
bankruptci
Armageddia
dominatrices
pharmas-bro
Yngswie— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) October 19, 2017
Why I’m a good producer, vol. 37:
An interview subject asks if she can make herself decent first.
“Hard to say,” I confess. “We just met.”— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) October 1, 2017
Let’s assume for a moment that Toyota never intended their logo to look like a steampunk diaphragm.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) September 24, 2017
Whenever someone says “Don’t quit your day job,” I’m encouraged they think me employable.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) September 4, 2017
Some actors’ finest work is feigning surprise when a topic comes up on the talk-show couch.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) September 2, 2017
The next presidential library will be a large golden room, empty but for a flatscreen looping Fox News stories.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) August 14, 2017
They say Valyrian steel is harder than Littlefinger at a Stark quinceañera. #GameofThrones
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) August 7, 2017
My next Italian metal band will be called Nütellica.
Our backstage rider will include a pretty sweet spread.— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) July 15, 2017
Just renamed my “Friends” photo album to “Known Associates” because that sounds way more badass and I like to help the government.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) July 8, 2017
Buzzfeed says I’m 17% white, so that’s what I’m putting on forms from now on.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) July 6, 2017
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) July 1, 2017
We need to talk about your flair, Sheriff Clarke.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) May 17, 2017
The likelihood that the yoga-pants wearer just came from yoga is about the same as the mobster being on his way to a track meet. #activewear
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) April 23, 2017
Sure, I’ve got 6 hours to watch a WWI documentary.
I’d thought it was only 2, which became 4, then 6, but I guess that’s also how war is.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) April 14, 2017
“Spicy white & small fry!” she announced.
Either your Popeye’s order is up, or the CBS brass will now hear your ’80s buddy-cop series pitch.— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) April 6, 2017
I see your smoking jacket and raise you a pair of vaping sweats.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) February 26, 2017
SHE: You have to work really hard to offend me.
ME: Good. But I’m willing to put in the hours.— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) February 10, 2017
Going by its commercials, daytime-TV viewers are waaaay more litigious than I presumed.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) January 6, 2017
There are apps for listening to police radios. I want one that can tune in to Taco Bell drives-thru around the country after midnight.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) January 4, 2017
I’m stuck at a green light behind a vehicle covered in ads for a drug that claims to improve alertness and mental acuity. #irony
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) December 3, 2016
There isn’t nearly enough tequila in this chicken margherita.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) December 2, 2016
I invite you to participate in my seasonal giving program, which this year I’m calling Zero Fucks.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) November 15, 2016
I’m worried that your political bumper sticker might cause my brakes to fail.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) November 8, 2016
Fonzie was able to conduct business with speed and efficiency because of how bad his office smelled.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) October 4, 2016
Welcome to America, where we measure sandwiches in feet, and whose fiercest proponents of the metric system are cokeheads.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) September 9, 2016
The Olympic theme music was playing in my head as I arose from bed this afternoon.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) August 8, 2016
“Did you just order a $5 shake?” he asked his date, having dropped $1500 on three grams of smack en route to pick her up. #PulpFiction
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) July 29, 2016
One of my favorite films was produced by refrigerating pudding.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) May 10, 2016
Yo momma so fat, when she throws shade, crops fail.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) April 28, 2016
I just want to slip into a warm bath and pray the neighbors don’t have a security system.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) January 30, 2016
In hindsight, Freddy Krueger was not the ideal pitchman for Ambien.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) January 15, 2016
Now is when we reflect on the year and resolve to make change, because expectations are high and we’re a cashier.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) December 31, 2015
I checked the mailbox despite it being Columbus Day because fuck that guy.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) October 12, 2015
I dunno, Sher, that looks like a Cobra terrorist plot from an ’80s cartoon. pic.twitter.com/mTzo2j0SmG
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) September 6, 2015
Network censors have rules about how many inches of butt cheek they can show. Um, how could they possibly know the size of my TV?
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) July 10, 2015
Hi, is this a good time? Because that’s what the number on the bathroom wall promised.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) July 8, 2015
It’s solid marketing not to label large boxes of condoms “family-sized.”
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) June 10, 2015
Jesus, take the wheel. That cop looks pissed, and I can’t have another DUI. Also, please try to keep blood off of it this time.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) May 9, 2015
If I discovered a hot tub time machine, I’d use it to travel back and stop the production of a movie.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) January 27, 2015
Are You Still There, God? It’s Me, But I Go By Marty Now #BookSequels @midnight
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) December 10, 2014
I was more interested in Katy Perry’s visit to our water park than our concert arena, because I have ears and eyes.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) August 20, 2014
Indian Willem Dafoe is my pet name for Fareed Zakaria.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) July 25, 2014
The reason songs are $$$ to license is because you can’t hear “Sussudio” without picturing Patrick Bateman eyebanging himself in the mirror.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) May 8, 2014
How to cut steak: New Hampshire, Vermont, New Hampshire, Vermont, ad infinitum.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) September 29, 2013
Now chickens only cross roads out of obligation to fulfill comic and philosophical prophecy.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) August 28, 2013
@jerrybloomfield The NSA offers excellent editorial services, such as ????? and ???, and will even have an agent contact you.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) June 7, 2013
Twitter wants me to follow Axe Body Spray. What usually follows are regret and self-loathing. And flies drawn away from manure trucks.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) May 14, 2013
The beef lobby may be a powerful legislative influence, but it’s also a hilarious vaginal euphemism.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) May 13, 2013
It’s admittedly disturbing to hear Elton John’s “Circle of Life” over the speakers at a bbq joint.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) February 13, 2013
Man to gas-station clerk: “I need to prepay for #2.”
My sympathies go out the restroom attendant.— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) December 1, 2012
Whenever I hear “you break it, you bought it,” I always think of a father lecturing his daughter’s boyfriend.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) June 23, 2011
It was the Beck of times, it was the Durst of times. #storystarters
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) January 18, 2011
@axeltaiari can write himself out of a paper bag.
It’s a necessary skill when you’re so often lit on fire on someone’s doorstep. #twenemy— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) January 1, 2011