Twisdom
Follow @gordonhighland
For those who aren’t following me on Twitter, 1) why not? and 2) I’ve collected some of my greatest brain droppings here for your amusement in <140-character bursts.
My next Italian metal band will be called Nütellica.
Our backstage rider will include a pretty sweet spread.— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) July 15, 2017
Just renamed my "Friends" photo album to "Known Associates" because that sounds way more badass and I like to help the government.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) July 8, 2017
Buzzfeed says I'm 17% white, so that's what I'm putting on forms from now on.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) July 6, 2017
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) July 1, 2017
I just misread "TGIF" as "DGAF" which normally wouldn't change the meaning much if the text weren't a pity reply from your mother.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) July 1, 2017
OOPS SORRY IT WAS JESUS
^ a work email todaySomeone, put that on my tombstone.
(Leave out the second line, please. I've seen cakes …)— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) June 29, 2017
"Ewww!" said the passenger through her open car window.
"Not you," she clarified, to me.#DailyAffirmation— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) May 18, 2017
We need to talk about your flair, Sheriff Clarke.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) May 17, 2017
It may be profiling, but you should probably say something about that coworker who always brings Faygo to the team potlucks.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) May 12, 2017
Las Vegas Craps #NewNBATeams @midnight
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) May 10, 2017
The likelihood that the yoga-pants wearer just came from yoga is about the same as the mobster being on his way to a track meet. #activewear
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) April 23, 2017
I still hear voices inside, so I don't think they've reached the Kool-Aid portion of the ceremony yet. pic.twitter.com/p34JoVLKMY
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) April 21, 2017
Sure, I've got 6 hours to watch a WWI documentary.
I'd thought it was only 2, which became 4, then 6, but I guess that's also how war is.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) April 14, 2017
"Spicy white & small fry!" she announced.
Either your Popeye's order is up, or the CBS brass will now hear your '80s buddy-cop series pitch.— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) April 6, 2017
After all this time, you'd think we could come up with a better name than "the moon."
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) March 26, 2017
Love your children. Teach them empathy and humility. Read and laugh often. Else you risk them becoming president.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) March 15, 2017
I see your smoking jacket and raise you a pair of vaping sweats.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) February 26, 2017
Enter Sandler #RuinA90sSong @midnight #pointsme
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) February 14, 2017
SHE: You have to work really hard to offend me.
ME: Good. But I'm willing to put in the hours.— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) February 10, 2017
Going by its commercials, daytime-TV viewers are waaaay more litigious than I presumed.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) January 6, 2017
There are apps for listening to police radios. I want one that can tune in to Taco Bell drives-thru around the country after midnight.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) January 4, 2017
Melania fails her Turing test. #2017Predictions @midnight
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) December 16, 2016
I'm stuck at a green light behind a vehicle covered in ads for a drug that claims to improve alertness and mental acuity. #irony
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) December 3, 2016
There isn't nearly enough tequila in this chicken margherita.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) December 2, 2016
I invite you to participate in my seasonal giving program, which this year I'm calling Zero Fucks.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) November 15, 2016
I'm worried that your political bumper sticker might cause my brakes to fail.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) November 8, 2016
Fonzie was able to conduct business with speed and efficiency because of how bad his office smelled.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) October 4, 2016
The bombing of Jäger #DrunkerHistory @midnight
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) September 23, 2016
Welcome to America, where we measure sandwiches in feet, and whose fiercest proponents of the metric system are cokeheads.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) September 9, 2016
I'd rather it rain cats than dogs, because I like dogs.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) August 25, 2016
The Olympic theme music was playing in my head as I arose from bed this afternoon.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) August 8, 2016
"Did you just order a $5 shake?" he asked his date, having dropped $1500 on three grams of smack en route to pick her up. #PulpFiction
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) July 29, 2016
One of my favorite films was produced by refrigerating pudding.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) May 10, 2016
Yo momma so fat, when she throws shade, crops fail.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) April 28, 2016
I just want to slip into a warm bath and pray the neighbors don't have a security system.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) January 30, 2016
In hindsight, Freddy Krueger was not the ideal pitchman for Ambien.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) January 15, 2016
Thinking about shaving my Christmas beard. Probably oughta warn her first this time.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) January 6, 2016
Now is when we reflect on the year and resolve to make change, because expectations are high and we're a cashier.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) December 31, 2015
Cheerleader bucks class warfare in a brotherly love triangle amid the Oregon housing crisis. #ExplainAFilmPlotBadly pic.twitter.com/D2DS0mqhxh
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) December 16, 2015
I checked the mailbox despite it being Columbus Day because fuck that guy.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) October 12, 2015
"Into the garbage chute, flyboy." #SexyStarWars @midnight
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) September 17, 2015
I still giggle whenever there's a fumble and everyone yells "Balls out!" because I can't hear apostrophes.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) August 22, 2015
I think I'm on Fleek, but can't remember my login.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) July 12, 2015
Network censors have rules about how many inches of butt cheek they can show. Um, how could they possibly know the size of my TV?
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) July 10, 2015
Hi, is this a good time? Because that’s what the number on the bathroom wall promised.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) July 8, 2015
It’s solid marketing not to label large boxes of condoms “family-sized.”
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) June 10, 2015
It’s a slippery slope from Herbie to Christine.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) May 27, 2015
Jesus, take the wheel. That cop looks pissed, and I can’t have another DUI. Also, please try to keep blood off of it this time.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) May 9, 2015
Thanks to @PFTompkins, every time I see the name Netanyahu, I now must sing it to the tune of “Desperado.”
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) March 25, 2015
If I discovered a hot tub time machine, I’d use it to travel back and stop the production of a movie.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) January 27, 2015
Are You Still There, God? It’s Me, But I Go By Marty Now #BookSequels @midnight
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) December 10, 2014
I was more interested in Katy Perry’s visit to our water park than our concert arena, because I have ears and eyes.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) August 20, 2014
Indian Willem Dafoe is my pet name for Fareed Zakaria.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) July 25, 2014
? ONE NEW MESSAGE “Hi, this is Senator Pat Roberts—” ? MESSAGE ERASED
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) June 2, 2014
The reason songs are $$$ to license is because you can’t hear “Sussudio” without picturing Patrick Bateman eyebanging himself in the mirror.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) May 8, 2014
TV-MA-LSV is my favorite show.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) December 16, 2013
Someday, I will rhyme “metaphors” with “petit-fours.”
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) December 4, 2013
Laughter may be the best medicine, but I’d go ahead and pick up that penicillin scrip just in case.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) November 16, 2013
Independent cinema is, for philistines, a way to see their favorite stars naked.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) November 10, 2013
Get out of my dreams and into my Mini Cooper, Winnie Cooper.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) November 8, 2013
Pinot Grieco #CelebrityBooze @midnight
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) November 8, 2013
How to cut steak: New Hampshire, Vermont, New Hampshire, Vermont, ad infinitum.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) September 29, 2013
Now chickens only cross roads out of obligation to fulfill comic and philosophical prophecy.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) August 28, 2013
SpongeBob isn’t sterile, he just comes with his own built-in contraceptive.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) August 7, 2013
Blackout dates are usually around holidays. My own, I mean, not those for travel rewards.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) July 31, 2013
@jerrybloomfield The NSA offers excellent editorial services, such as ????? and ???, and will even have an agent contact you.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) June 7, 2013
Twitter wants me to follow Axe Body Spray. What usually follows are regret and self-loathing. And flies drawn away from manure trucks.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) May 14, 2013
The beef lobby may be a powerful legislative influence, but it’s also a hilarious vaginal euphemism.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) May 13, 2013
I thought Game of Thrones was a lost Brady Bunch episode about Indian food night.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) March 31, 2013
God is always lording things over me.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) March 2, 2013
It’s admittedly disturbing to hear Elton John’s “Circle of Life” over the speakers at a bbq joint.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) February 13, 2013
Man to gas-station clerk: “I need to prepay for #2.” My sympathies go out the restroom attendant.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) December 1, 2012
@edwardjrathke A book might entertain someone for a whole week. A lap dance is over in 4 minutes—even less if you crack their spine.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) December 24, 2011
The forecast calls for mandolin rain; that’s just the way it is. And now over to Bruce for the long-Ranger and more Hornsby puns.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) August 20, 2011
Whenever I hear “you break it, you bought it,” I always think of a father lecturing his daughter’s boyfriend.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) June 23, 2011
I find Fred Flintstone’s tie a bit formal for quarry work. @sethmacfarlane
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) June 21, 2011
Ratt wrote an awful lot of songs in second-person.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) May 4, 2011
It was the Beck of times, it was the Durst of times. #storystarters
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) January 18, 2011
@axeltaiari can write himself out of a paper bag. It’s a necessary skill when you’re so often lit on fire on someone’s doorstep. #twenemy
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) January 1, 2011