Twisdom
Follow @gordonhighland
For those who aren’t following me on Twitter, 1) why not? and 2) I’ve collected some of my greatest brain droppings here for your amusement in <140-character bursts.
Please be patient while this page loads. Lots of embeds.
There are many appropriate responses when a friend tells you they recently got a breast augmentation, but "Oh, yeah?" is definitely not one.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) January 29, 2018
It's tough to play authentic blues on a $4000 electric guitar.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) January 26, 2018
Did they ever figure out who won that "We Are the World" singing contest? It was Stevie Wonder, right?
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) January 19, 2018
It occurs to me that those with Twitter-shortened attention spans may have only read "I maintain that dick" which is an entirely different thread.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) January 10, 2018
After I make a restaurant reservation, I envision them assembling the entire staff in celebration of and preparation for my arrival.
This condition is called narcissism.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) January 8, 2018
You know that one TV series you skipped that everyone constantly quotes to the extent that you get the whole story anyway, and neither need nor want to watch?
That's why I don't follow the president on Twitter.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) January 6, 2018
My expression of holiday spirit is adding a “fa” when plugging my ears and singing “lalalalalalalala.”
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) December 24, 2017
Man Dies Attempting Masturbation Record, Nearly Pulls it Off
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) December 20, 2017
The joke here is Ted's such asshole that the rhythm section refuse to be his friend, despite the beneficial name symmetry that would result. Also, muskets are guns, which is how the third one keeps dying.
All wrapped up in a lame candy-bar pun.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) December 24, 2017
Yo, stay in your lane, fam. pic.twitter.com/Z2iqHmU07S
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) December 12, 2017
No, I don't think The Unmolested would be a good name for your son's sports team. However, that won't stop me from suggesting it.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) December 10, 2017
"A friend is typing a comment" is the spinning beachball of 2017.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) December 8, 2017
How to Get Run Over in the Middle of Nowhere, courtesy of Verizon. pic.twitter.com/GnGxDGjZ0x
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) December 1, 2017
Whenever you take the dog outside to “do his business,” it’s hard to know which of you has the shittier job.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) November 26, 2017
I recommend letting this loop with the sound on while reading the rest of my Twitter feed. It's a multisensory experience.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) December 8, 2017
Please don’t use the verb “achieve” when the object is “erection.”
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) November 26, 2017
Aww, man, that donut place I never went to is out of business.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) November 17, 2017
Proposal: Replace the time-honored phone call from the jailhouse drunk tank with a video-chat app called 'FacedTime.#PUNisher
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) November 14, 2017
The NRA response to mass shootings always sounds like Budweiser recommending their catering services for funerals of drunk-driving victims.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) November 6, 2017
Some days you're the Hall, and some days you're the Oates.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) October 25, 2017
If I’m the only one eating from a “party size” bag of chips, it’s still technically a party, right?
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) October 21, 2017
Same Saab story: Can't a Ford to let your Nissan the road cause she drives Cadillac she's Audi her mind. Her insurance Fiat to be higher.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) October 20, 2017
Suggested unnecessary plural forms:
Lamborgheen
juggaleaux
Viagrae
covfefera
bankruptci
Armageddia
dominatrices
pharmas-bro
Yngswie— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) October 19, 2017
At the current rate, we will run out of sympathy hashtags in just three years.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) October 2, 2017
Why I'm a good producer, vol. 37:
An interview subject asks if she can make herself decent first.
"Hard to say," I confess. "We just met."— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) October 1, 2017
It's 4:20; you know what that means!
It means the roads are already congested with commuters, so your stoned ass shoulda left earlier.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) September 29, 2017
Let’s assume for a moment that Toyota never intended their logo to look like a steampunk diaphragm.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) September 24, 2017
This thing's so faded they must mean Board of Directors. pic.twitter.com/86kGt6GKpF
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) September 23, 2017
Moonraker is to Bond what Meets the Phantom of the Park is to KISS.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) September 16, 2017
I can only name one Staples sister, but that's one more than I can say about the Scissor family.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) September 6, 2017
Whenever someone says "Don't quit your day job," I'm encouraged they think me employable.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) September 4, 2017
Some actors' finest work is feigning surprise when a topic comes up on the talk-show couch.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) September 2, 2017
The next presidential library will be a large golden room, empty but for a flatscreen looping Fox News stories.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) August 14, 2017
They say Valyrian steel is harder than Littlefinger at a Stark quinceañera. #GameofThrones
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) August 7, 2017
The Craftmatics #ElderlyBands @midnight
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) August 1, 2017
My next Italian metal band will be called Nütellica.
Our backstage rider will include a pretty sweet spread.— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) July 15, 2017
Just renamed my "Friends" photo album to "Known Associates" because that sounds way more badass and I like to help the government.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) July 8, 2017
Buzzfeed says I'm 17% white, so that's what I'm putting on forms from now on.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) July 6, 2017
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) July 1, 2017
We need to talk about your flair, Sheriff Clarke.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) May 17, 2017
It may be profiling, but you should probably say something about that coworker who always brings Faygo to the team potlucks.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) May 12, 2017
Las Vegas Craps #NewNBATeams @midnight
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) May 10, 2017
The likelihood that the yoga-pants wearer just came from yoga is about the same as the mobster being on his way to a track meet. #activewear
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) April 23, 2017
I still hear voices inside, so I don't think they've reached the Kool-Aid portion of the ceremony yet. pic.twitter.com/p34JoVLKMY
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) April 21, 2017
Sure, I've got 6 hours to watch a WWI documentary.
I'd thought it was only 2, which became 4, then 6, but I guess that's also how war is.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) April 14, 2017
"Spicy white & small fry!" she announced.
Either your Popeye's order is up, or the CBS brass will now hear your '80s buddy-cop series pitch.— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) April 6, 2017
After all this time, you'd think we could come up with a better name than "the moon."
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) March 26, 2017
I see your smoking jacket and raise you a pair of vaping sweats.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) February 26, 2017
Enter Sandler #RuinA90sSong @midnight #pointsme
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) February 14, 2017
SHE: You have to work really hard to offend me.
ME: Good. But I'm willing to put in the hours.— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) February 10, 2017
Going by its commercials, daytime-TV viewers are waaaay more litigious than I presumed.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) January 6, 2017
There are apps for listening to police radios. I want one that can tune in to Taco Bell drives-thru around the country after midnight.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) January 4, 2017
Melania fails her Turing test. #2017Predictions @midnight
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) December 16, 2016
I'm stuck at a green light behind a vehicle covered in ads for a drug that claims to improve alertness and mental acuity. #irony
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) December 3, 2016
There isn't nearly enough tequila in this chicken margherita.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) December 2, 2016
I invite you to participate in my seasonal giving program, which this year I'm calling Zero Fucks.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) November 15, 2016
I'm worried that your political bumper sticker might cause my brakes to fail.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) November 8, 2016
Fonzie was able to conduct business with speed and efficiency because of how bad his office smelled.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) October 4, 2016
The bombing of Jäger #DrunkerHistory @midnight
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) September 23, 2016
Welcome to America, where we measure sandwiches in feet, and whose fiercest proponents of the metric system are cokeheads.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) September 9, 2016
I'd rather it rain cats than dogs, because I like dogs.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) August 25, 2016
The Olympic theme music was playing in my head as I arose from bed this afternoon.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) August 8, 2016
"Did you just order a $5 shake?" he asked his date, having dropped $1500 on three grams of smack en route to pick her up. #PulpFiction
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) July 29, 2016
One of my favorite films was produced by refrigerating pudding.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) May 10, 2016
Yo momma so fat, when she throws shade, crops fail.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) April 28, 2016
I just want to slip into a warm bath and pray the neighbors don't have a security system.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) January 30, 2016
In hindsight, Freddy Krueger was not the ideal pitchman for Ambien.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) January 15, 2016
Thinking about shaving my Christmas beard. Probably oughta warn her first this time.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) January 6, 2016
Now is when we reflect on the year and resolve to make change, because expectations are high and we're a cashier.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) December 31, 2015
Cheerleader bucks class warfare in a brotherly love triangle amid the Oregon housing crisis. #ExplainAFilmPlotBadly pic.twitter.com/D2DS0mqhxh
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) December 16, 2015
I checked the mailbox despite it being Columbus Day because fuck that guy.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) October 12, 2015
"Into the garbage chute, flyboy." #SexyStarWars @midnight
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) September 17, 2015
I dunno, Sher, that looks like a Cobra terrorist plot from an '80s cartoon. pic.twitter.com/mTzo2j0SmG
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) September 6, 2015
I still giggle whenever there's a fumble and everyone yells "Balls out!" because I can't hear apostrophes.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) August 22, 2015
I think I'm on Fleek, but can't remember my login.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) July 12, 2015
Network censors have rules about how many inches of butt cheek they can show. Um, how could they possibly know the size of my TV?
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) July 10, 2015
Hi, is this a good time? Because that’s what the number on the bathroom wall promised.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) July 8, 2015
It’s solid marketing not to label large boxes of condoms “family-sized.”
If the writing on this door implies what's on the other side, there outghta be a hole in it about yea-high. pic.twitter.com/XGwczIJxjf
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) June 12, 2015
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) June 10, 2015
It’s a slippery slope from Herbie to Christine.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) May 27, 2015
Jesus, take the wheel. That cop looks pissed, and I can’t have another DUI. Also, please try to keep blood off of it this time.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) May 9, 2015
Thanks to @PFTompkins, every time I see the name Netanyahu, I now must sing it to the tune of “Desperado.”
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) March 25, 2015
If I discovered a hot tub time machine, I’d use it to travel back and stop the production of a movie.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) January 27, 2015
Are You Still There, God? It’s Me, But I Go By Marty Now #BookSequels @midnight
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) December 10, 2014
I was more interested in Katy Perry’s visit to our water park than our concert arena, because I have ears and eyes.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) August 20, 2014
Indian Willem Dafoe is my pet name for Fareed Zakaria.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) July 25, 2014
? ONE NEW MESSAGE “Hi, this is Senator Pat Roberts—” ? MESSAGE ERASED
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) June 2, 2014
The reason songs are $$$ to license is because you can’t hear “Sussudio” without picturing Patrick Bateman eyebanging himself in the mirror.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) May 8, 2014
TV-MA-LSV is my favorite show.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) December 16, 2013
Someday, I will rhyme “metaphors” with “petit-fours.”
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) December 4, 2013
Laughter may be the best medicine, but I’d go ahead and pick up that penicillin scrip just in case.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) November 16, 2013
Independent cinema is, for philistines, a way to see their favorite stars naked.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) November 10, 2013
Get out of my dreams and into my Mini Cooper, Winnie Cooper.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) November 8, 2013
Pinot Grieco #CelebrityBooze @midnight
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) November 8, 2013
How to cut steak: New Hampshire, Vermont, New Hampshire, Vermont, ad infinitum.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) September 29, 2013
Now chickens only cross roads out of obligation to fulfill comic and philosophical prophecy.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) August 28, 2013
SpongeBob isn’t sterile, he just comes with his own built-in contraceptive.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) August 7, 2013
Blackout dates are usually around holidays. My own, I mean, not those for travel rewards.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) July 31, 2013
@jerrybloomfield The NSA offers excellent editorial services, such as ????? and ???, and will even have an agent contact you.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) June 7, 2013
Twitter wants me to follow Axe Body Spray. What usually follows are regret and self-loathing. And flies drawn away from manure trucks.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) May 14, 2013
The beef lobby may be a powerful legislative influence, but it’s also a hilarious vaginal euphemism.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) May 13, 2013
I thought Game of Thrones was a lost Brady Bunch episode about Indian food night.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) March 31, 2013
God is always lording things over me.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) March 2, 2013
It’s admittedly disturbing to hear Elton John’s “Circle of Life” over the speakers at a bbq joint.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) February 13, 2013
Man to gas-station clerk: “I need to prepay for #2.” My sympathies go out the restroom attendant.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) December 1, 2012
@edwardjrathke A book might entertain someone for a whole week. A lap dance is over in 4 minutes—even less if you crack their spine.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) December 24, 2011
The forecast calls for mandolin rain; that’s just the way it is. And now over to Bruce for the long-Ranger and more Hornsby puns.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) August 20, 2011
Whenever I hear “you break it, you bought it,” I always think of a father lecturing his daughter’s boyfriend.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) June 23, 2011
I find Fred Flintstone’s tie a bit formal for quarry work. @sethmacfarlane
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) June 21, 2011
Ratt wrote an awful lot of songs in second-person.
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) May 4, 2011
It was the Beck of times, it was the Durst of times. #storystarters
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) January 18, 2011
@axeltaiari can write himself out of a paper bag. It’s a necessary skill when you’re so often lit on fire on someone’s doorstep. #twenemy
— Gordon Highland (@gordonhighland) January 1, 2011