Promoted Roadies

I’ve posted before about my fascination with unusual band names, yet I can never seem to pull the trigger on them for my own usage. And even though this is the kind of material that will probably get me in trouble, I thought I’d share a few of the more offensive rejects we considered for my current male/female duo, Winebox.

The Ovaricles
Fraüstein
Jihspot
Alanaldanon
Darth Brooks
Marilyn Hanson
Acoustocalypse
Cochlea Tease
Narcoplasty
Minstrel Cycle
Grudgefuck
The A-Holes
Robin Peter to PayPal
The Ghetto Libretto
Bedside Manor
Ton Def
The Douchebags
Freak Quincy
Braillehouse Rock
Jack & Coke & Jill
TazeBro
Chronic Fatigue
Tickling Uvulas
Her & That Other Guy
Kleenex Dreams
Symphyllis
Incontinental
Obscene Jester

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Sexual Reeling

Not long after The Matrix lit up the big screen, I caught a late-night B-movie on Skinemax called The Sexual Matrix. Twenty minutes and five refractory periods later it dawned upon me that one could bring a whole new level of meaning to traditional favorites simply by adding Sexual to the title. Like so:

The Sexual Color Purple
Sexual Pleasantville
The Last Sexual Boy Scout
My Own Private Sexual Idaho
A Bug’s Sex Life
Sexual Predator
The Sexual Shining
Sexual Platoon
Three Sexual Kings
Sexual Toy Story
ET: The Extra-Sexual Terrestrial
The Fabulous, Sexual Baker Boys
The Sixth Sexual Sense
The Fast and Sexually Furious
Requiem for a Sexual Dream
Close Encounters of the Sexual Kind
The Long, Sexual Kiss Goodnight
Sexual Wonder Boys
El Mariachi Sexual
First Sexual Blood

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Eff Love

This is one of my personal favorite timekillers. Understanding the perverse origins of the term rock ‘n’ roll and also knowing how people are so often afraid to say what they really mean, here’s a little game: simply substitute the word Fuck instead of Love in any song title, and you probably have something much closer to the lyricist’s original vision. Here are a few to get you started:

You’ve Lost that Lovin’ Feeling
Love Me Two Times
Love in an Elevator
You Make Loving Fun
Lovin’ You’s a Dirty Job
Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow
Love of a Lifetime
Love Her Madly
Since I’ve Been Loving You
Endless Love
Love Shack
Can’t Make You Love Me
I Can Love You Better
Love Me Tender
Once You’ve Loved Somebody
Love in the Afternoon
And I Love Her
Love the One You’re With
Love the Way You Love Me Baby
Keep on Loving You
Justify My Love
Can’t Stop Loving You
Love Gun
No Ordinary Love
Because You Loved Me
Muskrat Love

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Truths, Vol. 5

Another batch of my muttering musings for your transengendered medication.

Your element is a place you should remain far from when expecting creativity.

• Having YouTube subscribers does not make you a network programming executive. You’re probably overqualified.

• Never let someone review a rough cut who doesn’t understand what one is.

• You pay Ticketmaster for the convenience of . . . paying for a ticket. They’re completely unnecessary unless you live somewhere acres or cattle outnumber humans. (Hint: “box office”)

• Paying fifty bucks to see Scott Weiland fall off a stage is not a badge of honor. It’s gambling. If I show up drunk for work, I get fired.

• If god didn’t intend for us to use soft-focus filters, he wouldn’t have invented Edward James Olmos.

• On Battlestar Galactica, “frak” can be loosely translated as “smurf.”

• Producer and engineer are not the same job. Just like waitress and chef. Don’t be fooled by any overlap, like making drinks or procuring smack.

• Compromise is never an improvement if between more than two directions.

The Office is not a documentary. It’s miniaturist comedy. (That’s what she said…)

• If you write all your songs in the key of C, just slap any of the white keys and you’re “improvising.” Or any black keys for B. Two gentrified neighborhoods just one note apart: Black, Caucasian.

• He who laughs last should not go out to movie theaters.

• When you’ve run out of ideas, you run into remakes.

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-Esque

My short story -Esque is featured in Two Guys Enter a Bar. One Leaves, the premiere issue of the Colored Chalk lit zine (and theme for all stories this month). You’re also encouraged to plaster your own ‘hood with paper copies, guerrilla style, by downloading the printer-ready PDF. Many thanks to editor Caleb Ross and web-enabler Jason Heim

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Scrivenings

. . . looking to maybe crank something out over the summer. Not talking the columned A/V stuff for commercials, but what’s the best software to write feature screenplays in?

One that catches sentence-ending prepositions? I kid; I kid. Honestly, I don’t know, because I haven’t tried that many, but I can share what works for me. The first couple of scripts I ever wrote were on a VAX terminal and then a Smith-Corona electric typewriter, and let’s just go ahead and eliminate those options, eh? Software, she says.

Start with an app you can afford. Until recently I used MS Word because I already owned it and it had the power to process words, so no point investing in something new that did 95% the same. But it’s a pain in the formatting ass to set up manually, so I downloaded a cheap template called ScreenStyle that did this for me. I haven’t kept up with its development, but it had the standard feature of most script software: automating the process somewhat by presuming the category of text you’ll want to type on the next line each time you hit the Return key (like advancing to dialogue formatting after you entered a character name, or to a character line after some action). Got me by for years, if slightly cumbersome.

I test-drove Final Draft (a few years back, to be fair), the closest thing to an industry standard we have, and it honestly left me wanting. I’m an unabashed Mac-dork, and it has none of that Cocoa feel we love, it had all kinds of display issues, and the interface just felt like it was not written for people like me. But the toolset is vast if you plan to attempt this for a living, or collaborate. If on a Mac, I’d keep your eyes on Montage as it develops as an alternative.

Also worth considering is whether you want creative writing tools also, as some of these apps integrate engines that claim to help your process, mainly through structure by prompting you to consider or develop certain plot elements. I’ve not found that useful personally, but my only direct experience was a demo of Dramatica. For me, storytelling abilities are best honed through more natural woodshedding processes.

My current manuscript mistress is Scrivener, and I’ll apologize now for the raving and drooling you’re about to endure. Scrivener does not claim to be a word processor per se (it basically has TextEdit’s engine), but for $40 on a Mac, it’s a steal, and perfect for many of us. Basically, it’s an information organizer that lets you keep all your research, notes, and writings in one project file. You can metatag the hell out of everything, set labels and statuses, import Web pages and media files, annotate, etc. It also has several views, like outlines, corkboard notecards, and – for those with the endless widgetary distractions of a cinema display – a full-screen mode that blacks or dims all else but your words and the page. You type in chapters (or whatever kind of fragments your brain produces), and these can be combined or separated later any way you see fit. It also has the split view of higher-end apps to work on two sections concurrently. When you’re done, you can alter the formatting for each instance of print/export via dialogue boxes that leave your project file unchanged. Sort of a “write once, publish anywhere” solution.

While I’ve yet to dream up that next big project that this type of app begs for, I’m currently using it to pull together and create all the content for a scriptwriting workshop I’m leading in a few weeks. Oh yeah . . . it has a screenplay mode as well, which features the auto-formatting stuff I mentioned earlier, but more intuitive than a Word template.

In the PC world, the closest you’ll come to Scrivener’s features is PageFour or Liquid Story Binder.

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In Treatment

“There are way too many autobiographies. I mean, who cares?” – Paul Weston

By now, you know the premise for this HBO series: one therapist sees five patients, each with their own half-hour session once a week, a new episode every weeknight for nine weeks. Two episodes in, I was intrigued. After ten, I’m sold more than The Black-Eyed Peas’ souls on the floor of the Satanic Stock Exchange.

The frequency alone is an innovation for dramatic television (though first by its Israeli version). Its true genius, though, is in its programming: a completely modular show that embraces today’s time-shifted viewing habits. It begs for DVR or On Demand viewing. If only one of the patient threads interests you, tune in once a week like a regular show. Or record and watch all of that patient’s episodes back-to-back. Or hold out for the inevitable DVD set and choose from any of the 45. The most immersive option of all is on their HBO Signature channel, where each episode airs at the prescribed time of its patient’s session (the threads are named by their times, like “Alex – Tuesday 10:00 am”). Of course, the only viewers with that kind of couch-time flexibility either can’t afford HBO or are trophy wives bouncing from gym to plastic surgeon.

None of this would matter if the show itself weren’t compelling, and it absolutely is. The patients confront issues each of us can relate to, even if we mostly identify with one specific character. The acting is top-shelf, supported by writing equally praise-worthy. Emmy bait, all. Poor Gabriel Byrne. As therapist Paul Weston, he’s in every episode – that’s one thousand pages of dialogue! Friday’s sessions are a recap of sorts, as we flip point-of-view and learn how much these patients impact Weston’s own troubled life as he visits his therapist, projecting just as much evasion and defensiveness as he receives on his own turf.

As for production, they shot one episode every two days, in chronological order, on one consecutive schedule. Byrne says that he never read beyond the current episode (who’d have time?) so he could approach each one naturally, like the doctor who might need a slight refresher after being away from a patient for a week while treating others in between. It also helps with the onion-peeling effect, not knowing too much until it’s time. The actors portraying patients, however, needed at least an outline of their entire arc to inform why they might reveal current information in the way they do.

Both in writing and directing, In Treatment is a master class in dialogue scene-making, as each episode is basically a one-act play, with no action to lean on. Because there’s so little of it, my eye was drawn to the coverage (camera angles), and it’s textbook, for those students of the craft. They employ subtle tracking and pushing as we’d expect, and the angle and lens length are selected based on emotional weight. The more intimate the revelation, the more on-axis we are (the actor looking almost directly into camera). Lighter convo goes wider and further off-axis. They also effectively break the 180 line, by either going really wide or tracking behind the actor, and then re-establishing it on their other side. Of course these shifts are completely motivated either by subject transitions or shifts in balance of power in the conversation.

The first 15 episodes are available for free online.

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Perjiarism

She stole a piece of him. Now he wants it back.

That’s the tagline to what is now my least-favorite movie, based on one of my all-time favorite novels. When you understand that the woman who “wrote” and directed it thieved it literally scene-for-scene from a man’s ten-years-published novel, you’ll appreciate its irony. I wonder if she’ll direct the (theoretical) sequel, the one where the legit production company who owns the rights to the book sues her distributor and ensures that this hack scribe “never works in this town again.” No, I imagine they’ll have to get someone else to lens that one. Oh, and I’ve already got that sequel script on file with the copyright office, so don’t get any delusions of career resuscitation.

Most plagiarism treads a grey area, difficult to prove. Maybe the concept appears derivative, the characters sketched in similar strokes, or a snatch of dialogue is reminiscent. The above example is an extreme one, with often-verbatim dialogue from the mouths of identically-adjectived characters who follow the exact plotted paths of their literary twins on the page in chronological order. Even an officially-blessed adaptation would rarely shadow its source material so closely. Fortunately, the movie is terrible in every way, not even worth the 35mm stock that it sullied, yet I’m conflicted about drawing even more undeserved attention to it. The larger issue is what makes this a worthwhile discussion.

We analyze media around here, per our namesake mandate. In this era of highly-specialized TV networks, direct-to-DVD, web series, blogs, vlogs, and podcasts, there’s an exponential amount of content saturating the ether these days. Most of it nonfiction infotainment (like this site), and most of that, noise. Still, the so-called “demand” for fictional content is far greater as well due to these outlets’ existence/capacity, while its audience is more segmented than ever (one positive evolution). Unfortunately creativity, talent, and professional execution can’t grow at the same rate as demand and production. It’s like having a restaurant’s line cook create their new menu. The ability to operate a microwave doesn’t legitimize your published cookbook. And just because you can doesn’t mean you should.

The new generation of media consumers is very tolerant of poor production values as a by-product of greater choice of voices. They’ve grown up with YouTube and iPods and reality television dominating their diets, rendering the term broadcast quality meaningless. We now trade development for diversity, polish for portability. But pass or fail, truth or consequences, at least come up with your own material! If you’re going to offend my senses, it had better be original. I can sometimes overlook one side of that equation, but not both.

All artists borrow. Especially in their early efforts, influences are often worn on sleeves. It’s how we learn, and why so many student projects suck. They’re exercises, dumpster abortions at best, and not meant for public consumption (or DVD distribution). For years, every riff I wrote sounded like Van Halen, but they never left my bedroom. And while Edward’s ghost still pervades my phrasing to this day, I’m picking my own notes.

Look, the number of pleasing chord progressions is somewhat finite. Complementary colors will be used together more often than others. Time-tested techniques are mastered and passed on. We humans have a fairly small palette of expressible emotions, and only a handful of mythological themes drive nearly all fiction. We accept this, even if it’s largely unspoken. What we want are new interpretations. Change the point of view, put those twelve notes in a different order, select a new medium – simple alterations at the conceptual level will lead to exponential originality as the silk of your ideas is spun and woven into a web of brainstorming that eventually becomes the finished work. That, or I’ll see you in court.

Let’s get some comment discussion going on this one. Release the hounds!

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Truths, Vol. 4

No one knows anything, least of all those who claim to.

If you’re a guitarist with more than three fingers and use a capo, you’re playing the song in the wrong key.

Buying a cool new iPhone won’t make it ring any more frequently.

Size may matter, but you should never cease trimming.

Actors are best seen and heard – not touched, smelled, or tasted.

If the singer actually had anything important to say, he wouldn’t have to scream it at us.

Sometimes perfection can meet you halfway at good enough.

Drummers’ importance must never be revealed to them.

The first cut is more like the final draft of a script.

An artist cannot interpret her own work any more than a critic can define it.

Tuning your instrument is not optional.

The search for that perfect word is a worthwhile pursuit. Economy is the um . . . you know, best . . . uh, quality of a . . . person who writes good . . . stuff.

Quality catering is a better use of budget than that second Steadicam.

Don’t ever write a shitty song, else it may chart and necessitate its performance until the day you die.

If your sound guy stashes his car keys in the refrigerator, he’ll remember to turn it back on before he leaves location.

Talking about your project before it’s done is a recipe for failure. Look at The Bible. That whole ending seemed very tacked-on to me, not to mention all the violence and sex. But I am trying to track down a first edition if anyone’s got one. Signed, preferably.

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Artists vs. Performers

This article had me foaming at the mouth. I’d long suspected this happened, but it’s the first time I’ve heard anyone go on record about it.

Musical performers who take a piece of the writer’s publishing.

Okay, so you’re gorgeous. You spend countless hours at the gym sculpting that perfect diva body. You have vocal talent, whether coached and groomed or god-given. You have an adoring fan base with money to burn and high expectations.

I possess none of these. The years you slaved in the gym, I toiled on a piano bench. While you were getting your eyebrow manicure, I was trying to find a way to bridge the instrumental breakdown to the third verse. You partied in Ibiza, sunning and wooing suits on that yacht while I inscribed pathos-laden lyrics that transcended my gender, race, and age from my 400 square feet in Harlem.

This song, the single that will define your career for the next six months, is what I have to offer. You made no creative contribution whatsoever, and you want a shared credit? Fuck that noise. Yes, you may be doing me a favor by “letting me” let you record one of my songs that could launch or revitalize my career through your celebrity. And true, there’s money to be made in publishing long after the chart lifespan of a song (ain’t no retirement plan for songwriters). But . . . you didn’t write it. That’s why I’m on this side of the curtain. You want the fame, I’m entitled to my full share of “fortune” that enabled it.

Sadly, many aspiring songwriters see this common practice as a dues-paying right of passage. But they’re the ones who need it most! The solution is simple: you want some of my publishing points, you help write the damned song. At least the lyrics – I mean, you’re the one who’s gotta sing them. Collaborate, learn an instrument, mine your feelings and learn to capture them. If you want compensation for the “opportunity,” I’ll find some way to show my gratitude: buy you dinner, some bling, a small country – whatever – but I’m not paying for it over the rest of my life. And I won’t be getting a cut of the merch from your 2027 comeback tour when you’re still singing it.

Some performers (or their managers) perpetrate this theft for credibility; they want to be perceived as singer/songwriters. Artists instead of just performers. There’s often a giant chasm between the two disciplines. A great singer can bring a lyric to life for an audience, translate it in a way the songsmith never could. But while that craft is admirable, without the song, it remains just a vehicle and the performer an empty vessel. We want to believe this awesome projection of emotion we’ve witnessed was seeded in the singer’s soul, and 87% of the audience will assume this without question, anyway. I might watch American Idol if the contestants were required to perform their own material.

Starpower is a function of talent and reputation. While their risks are considerable, the rewards are far, far greater. My song and any artistic cred are all I have to get by on, and I expect to be fully compensated for them. It’s a misconception that artists (pure artists, I mean) “get all the chicks.” Until there’s a public performance of it, they’re likely unknown, and even then . . . it really only applies if the artist also happens to be really good-looking. No one wants to be with some miserable schlub. Unless they’re famous, but that’s a different topic.

Anyway, yeah, if you want to be an artist, create art. Otherwise, you can rent mine for a fair price.

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