I keep an occasional eye on the weekly ratings, discouraged that none of the shows I watch, be they broadcast or cable, are even in the top 20 (except for NFL when in season). If you limit this to the 18-45 demographic, I watch two or three at the ass end of the top 20, and several of the most-popular DVRed shows on cable (to me, this implies intelligent viewership). Half of this is explained by my oft-documented disdain for reality television. Still, as this resident of the #32 market counted his five crisp one-dollar bills as payola and began logging the paper diary (not the cool set-top box that some households get), I learned a few things about myself.

I’m a commercial-skipping DVR fiend (you must document both the watched and original times). Over 90% of my time spent in front of the tube is done commercial-free. If I’m unbusy when an HBO series is on, I’ll often watch it at its original broadcast time, recording it anyway, just in case. (I subscribe to HBO strictly for their excellent original series, as nearly any movie I care about has already been Netflixed well before then.) But network and cable programming, even if I want to watch it the same night, I always time-shift it a little. I wait until at least seven minutes past its airtime to “play” a sitcom, or quarter-after for an hourlong drama, which means by the time I catch up with real-time, I’ve been able to FF through the commercials. NFL Sundays, I’ll skip the first hour of a game to get some other tasks done, then restart and power through it in two hours. (I recently read that an average football game contains 11 minutes of snap-to-whistle action; wow.) And not one single minute of local or national news/weather programming was logged.

While I take pride in this efficiency of tube-time, I still watched 18 hours this week. That’s more than I thought, and doesn’t count the two Blu-Rays I rented. And it seemed a fairly typical balance of shows that are in and out of season. As predicted, there were only a few instances of “channel surfing,” though I perhaps did even less than usual because I found myself not wanting to have to log them.

In the end, I doubt my eyeball lobbying for Caprica, Community, Archer, or Big Love will give them even a sniff at the top 20. But you know what they say: if you don’t vote, you can’t complain.

The usual disclaimers apply. Though I’ve seen nearly 100 new movies this year, mostly on home video (so a few of these are late ’08), a number of the year’s notables have thus far escaped me, like Avatar, The Informant!, Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs, Bronson, The Hurt Locker, Kick Ass, and maybe a few others that some deem worthy. I also do my best to avoid watching bad films, so everything’s on a curve of sorts, catered to my personal tastes.

And now . . . let the wild rumpus start!

FUNNIEST DUDE
Zack Galifianakis, The Hangover
Sacha Baron Cohen, Brüno

FUNNIEST FEMME
Kristen Bell, Fanboys
Rinko Kikuchi, The Brothers Bloom

Weak sauce. Good for some supporting laughs, sure, but where are all the gut-busting female roles?

FILM THAT MADE ME SNARF SODA OUT MY NOSE
The Hangover
(500) Days of Summer

FILM NOT TO WATCH IN THE DARK
Martyrs
Grace

I wasn’t in love with either of these, but they’re the most category-appropriate of this year’s offerings I’ve seen. I’d suggest a double-feature of Trick ‘R Treat and Drag Me to Hell if you prefer your seat-jumping moments balanced with a dose of camp.

MOST WELL-DOCUMENTED
Anvil! The Story of Anvil
Food, Inc.

DRAMA KING
Sam Rockwell, Moon
Viggo Mortensen, The Road

DRAMA QUEEN
Julianne Moore, Blindness
Alison Lohman, Drag Me to Hell

It ain’t Shakespeare, but not exactly comedy either, and I loved Alison’s casting in this role. Not to mention being a good sport with all of Sam Raimi’s trademark actorly tortures. Apologies; I didn’t see many female-driven dramas this year, most notably The Blind Side or Julie & Julia.

BADDEST-ASS BADASS
Christoph Waltz, Inglourious Basterds
Minase Yashiro, The Machine Girl

SEXIEST STARLET
Kim Ok-bin, Thirst
Thandie Newton, RocknRolla

Why was this so hard to pick this year? Sure, Megan Fox was cartoonishly smokin in that piece of Transformers dreck, but I hated the way Michael Bay’s lens objectified her, and the bimbo from My Bloody Valentine 3D had to have been buck naked for what seemed five solid minutes, but that was more brave than sexy. I didn’t see that Jessica Biel movie. Meanwhile Zooey Deschanel was hypnotically adorable in (500) Days, but sexy‘s a stretch. Might need to rethink this category next year.

SURPRISE PERFORMANCE
Maya Rudolph, Away We Go
James Gandolfini, Where the Wild Things Are

BEST CAMEO
Harrison Ford, Brüno
William Shatner, Fanboys

BEST ENSEMBLE CAST
The Brothers Bloom
Star Trek

HARDEST ASS KICKED
Crank 2: High Voltage
Star Trek

Though I will confess the Paris sequence in G.I. Joe rocked, as did Watchmen‘s stunning recreations, and the realistic shootouts in Public Enemies.

MOST EFFED-UP TWIST
Thirst
Martyrs

CLEVEREST DIALOGUE
(500) Days of Summer
Inglourious Basterds

HIGHEST SCORING MUSIC
Clint Mansell, Moon
Michael Giacchino, Up

Where the Wild Things Are had one of my favorite scores of the year, as did Drag Me to Hell‘s gothic stylings, however I gave a nod to Giacchino partly because he also scored Star Trek.

COOLEST VISUAL STYLE
Watchmen
District 9

Can’t believe I haven’t found a place for Coraline yet, and it’s especially deserving here, as is Blindness for its set design and highly-stylized and reflective compositions. Still, Watchmen brought a much-beloved and nearly-unfilmable graphic novel world to life more faithfully than anyone could imagine, and District 9‘s verité stylings are so convincing you forget it’s half CG.

WANTED TO HATE, BUT DIDN’T MIND SO MUCH
My Bloody Valentine 3D
Angels & Demons

UNDER-THE-RADAR SURPRISE
Trick ‘R Treat
Redbelt

BEST IMPORT
Thirst
Tell No One

GEEKIEST BD/DVD EXTRAS
Star Trek
Watchmen

BEST MUSIC BD/DVD
Jeff Beck Live at Ronnie Scott’s
Stevie Wonder Live at Last

WORTHY FILMS THAT DON’T FIT ELSEWHERE
Adventureland
Religulous
Invictus

WORST WAY TO SPEND $9.25
Inkheart
G.I. Joe

BIGGEST DISAPPOINTMENT
Up
Killshot

Don’t get me wrong, Up is nowhere near a bad film, a solid B even, it just didn’t spark that Pixar magic within me that I’ve come to expect. Killshot‘s reviews prepared me for its dreadfulness, but how do you fuck up good material this badly given such a cast? Maybe we should ask The Informers. . . Another dishonorable mention to JCVD, which wouldn’t normally even be on my radar, but friends made it sound like Van Damme was reinventing the genre. No, he just played himself with a little more vulnerability.

BEST FILM
District 9
The Road

With apologies to (500) Days of Summer, Moon, and several others listed above.

Note: I also saw Son of Rambow this year, too old for this list, but it would’ve swept a few categories last year when I was oblivious, so check it out if you haven’t.

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• the toilet-cam point of view as an interrogated face is dunked into it

• establishing a crime scene by tracking the unspooling of yellow police tape

• cutting to the defendant flinching as the judge’s gavel cracks. See also: flinching mourners at a 21-gun salute

• bolting upright into camera after coming out of a nightmare

• a train approaching and passing over the camera for no apparent reason

• the final-second resignation on a bad-guy’s face just before a bomb blows him to pieces

• closing a dead compatriot’s eyes with a hand

• the awkward elevator ride with cheesy muzak as a moment of comic relief during an action sequence

• full-screen “access granted” computer terminal graphics

• the (unrealistic) black matte for binoculars point of view. See also: in softcore, the voyeur watching through their video camera will somehow see a scene assembled from coverage of wide, medium, and close shots.

• pan to the fireplace and defocus as the stars make love on the bed. Ironically, this can be called “going soft.”

• macro-focusing to the barrel of a gun pointed at camera

• sliding someone down the length of a bar in a fight, taking out all manners of glassware in their path

• refrigerator point of view as someone rummages through it. See also: medicine cabinets. Guess I just hate POV shots in general unless they represent a person.

• a room whose light level remains nearly the same once the lights are turned out. Now it’s just blue.

Toss your dog in your purse and text your publicist on the way to the dress fitting . . . it’s time to raise the sails for my third annual windbaggery about the year in cinema – at least the approximately 120 new films that I saw – hyperbolic, symbolic, and gastronomic. I’ve spread the acclaim out over as many worthy films as possible.

Exceptions aside, 2008 was dominated by mediocre offerings, notably lacking in strong female roles. Fair warning as usual: I haven’t yet seen some of the late-year entries that often dominate awards season, including: Rachel Getting Married, The Wrestler, and Doubt.

And now, live except on the west coast, this year’s winners and runners up. . .

FUNNIEST DUDE
Danny McBride, The Foot Fist Way
Robert Downey, Jr., Tropic Thunder

FUNNIEST FEMME
Elizabeth Banks, Zak and Miri Make a Porno
Catherine Keener, Hamlet 2

FILM THAT MADE ME SNARF SODA OUT MY NOSE
Hamlet 2
Sex and Death 101

FILM NOT TO WATCH IN THE DARK
[REC]
The Orphanage

FILM THAT OPENED MY MIND
Towelhead
Man on Wire

DRAMA KING
Jamie Bell, Mister Foe
Clint Eastwood, Gran Torino

DRAMA QUEEN
Catinca Untaru, The Fall
Laura Linney, The Savages

BADDEST-ASS BADASS
Heath Ledger, The Dark Knight
Ralph Fiennes, In Bruges

SURPRISE PERFORMANCE
Stephen Dorff, Felon
Ryan Reynolds, Definitely, Maybe

SEXIEST STARLET
Marisa Tomei, Before the Devil Knows You’re Dead
Jess Weixler, Teeth

ADRENALINE WITHOUT CHEESE
The Dark Knight
Quantum of Solace

MOST EFFED-UP TWIST
Synecdoche, New York
Stuck

SNAPPIEST DIALOGUE
Gran Torino
Choke

BEST ENSEMBLE CAST
Tropic Thunder
Be Kind Rewind

BEST MUSIC
The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
Slumdog Millionaire

COOLEST VISUAL STYLE
The Fall
Slumdog Millionaire

WANTED TO HATE, BUT DIDN’T
Smart People
[REC]

UNDER-THE-RADAR SURPRISE
Let the Right One In
In Bruges

BEST TV SHOW ON DISC
Battlestar Galactica
Spaced

ILLEST DISC EXTRAS
Blade Runner: Final Cut
WALL•E

BEST IMPORT
Let the Right One In
The Orphanage

WORTHY FILMS THAT DON’T FIT ELSEWHERE
Iron Man
Starting Out in the Evening

WORST WAY TO SPEND $9.25
Revolver
Speed Racer

BIGGEST DISAPPOINTMENT
Burn After Reading
The X-Files: I Want to Believe

BEST FUCKIN’ FILM
WALL•E
The Dark Knight

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Other theaters already offer similar amenities, such as Texas’s Alamo Drafthouse, or even our own Cinemark Plaza VIP Room, but they don’t have AMC’s nationwide presence.

An entire wing of the property is devoted to this experience – twelve screens total – eight of which are Fork and Screen, which offers casual dining. There are also three Cinema Suites with a more upscale menu, reservation options, and no kids. In the wing’s lobby is MacGuffins (get it?), an expansive bar and lounge area.

I arrived just as the previews spooled up, hit the service button on the railing in front of me, and a waiter appeared seatside to take my order on a handheld touchscreen that sent the selections wirelessly to the kitchen. It’s typical diverse pub fare with appetizers, salads, entree platters, etc. (many with fresh, local ingredients), and priced only slightly higher than you’d find in the neighborhood chains. I had fish and chips with a pint of Fat Tire for $17 including tax – a good deal when you consider the markup on standard concessions (available as well). Many of the entress are around nine bucks, and beer was something like $3.50 to $4.75. My food arrived just before the feature, and I simply rang the waiter again when ready to pay.

Leather rocking seats are spaced in groups of two or four, with plenty of privacy and legroom. The subtly-lit counter sits just out of reach, so you have to edge up on your seat, but this minor annoyance made sense once I was finished eating and didn’t want it crowding my lap for the rest of the flick. Currently, the films in this wing are a mixture of tentpoles and indies (I often choose this particular complex as an alternative to the arthouse), and AMC claims they intend to make it available for events as well. Hopefully they’ll expand to your town soon, as it’s very convenient (especially if you hit twilight shows straight from work or a matinée), with much-improved food at a fair price.

The show everyone’s talking about.
Everyone being those in our programming department whose jobs are on the line. It’s been a ratings disappointment despite the buzz cash we poured into ads and promotion.

See the show critics are calling “X.”
We doomed it with a bad time slot. Also, I told you, not everything we produce is reality-based.

The surprise hit of the season.
We underestimated audience tastes and only ordered eight episodes.

Presented with limited commercial interruptions by X.
All your favorite characters will be wearing X, driving X, and eating X. Thank your DVR for forcing us to remote-proof our shows.

Catch X at its new time.
The show got its ass kicked by the competition, so now it’s going slumming.

. . . with an ending you have to see to believe.
Horatio will remove his sunglasses and deliver a wry quip before a “to be continued” graphic blueballs you.

Promotional consideration provided by X.
It was very considerate of them to pay us or shower us with free schwag.

The television event of the year.
We’re betting the farm that you can be peer-pressured into watching.

Don’t miss an unforgettable X.
Wrangle the wife, because we’re about to inject some uncharacteristic sentiment.

What makes this effort particularly amusing is that, because of Ben’s trademark irreverence and wit, these allegedly-bad songs actually fit nicely into the Folds oeuvre. Yes, the lyrics are frattishly narrow-minded, but taking on moronic points of view is a technique he often employs anyway. This of course begs the question: if the artist performed and recorded the music, how can it be fake? And if Weird Al parodies himself in the woods, does anyone hear it?

Would you care to share any thoughts on the latest Miley Cyrus scandal? More to the point, on the use of “scandal as P.R. device” in general, especially “planned” scandals. I mean, in the old days, raping and killing a bimbo in the St. Francis Hotel would put a stain on your career; nowadays, it’d sell another 100,000 albums . . .

I wouldn’t call her a bimbo . . . I mean, yeah, she may have been wearing the uniform at the time of her death, but my fans do that sometimes. So only 99,999 albums, maybe.

I do have a real problem with the way society sexualizes children, which also creates a chicken/egg conundrum: would they do it themselves unprovoked anyway? I don’t blame Miley at all. I doubt it was her idea in the first place, but there’s nothing a 14-year-old wants more than to be thought of as sexy. Just like they envy their big sisters with drivers licenses or how cool their collegiate brother looks with a beer in his hand (and why older-than-targeted actors are always cast for kids’ commercials). It’s one way they rebel against the confines of their age. From the other side, is it so wrong to be aroused by a girl (not talking Miley here) with a fully-developed body, despite her taboo age (even with no intention of acting on said attraction)? On the contrary, watching the Olympics, you’ve got 26-year-old women developed like typical 14-year-olds who do not stir such thoughts.

None of this is helped by feature-film actresses who get permission to lose their linen underage (like Keira Knightley or Thora Birch). Or what about when of-age actresses portray and sexualize roles clearly meant to be underage? How am I supposed to feel about that, and at what point does intent factor in? Sure, she’s old enough to get naked in real life, but I’m meant to think she’s not. That’s pretty fucked up. I take no issue with it in a dramatic sense (say, Mena Suvari in American Beauty), but just as often it’s gratuitous high-school-party nudity. Eh, I’ve totally lost the thread of your point.

UPDATE: Here’s an interview with Alan Ball discussing how he tackled these same issues while directing his film Towelhead. Coincidentally(? Okay, so it’s not like I’m talking about Larry Clark here), Ball also wrote American Beauty.

Premeditated media scandals. Hmm. Given the tabloids’ insatiable hunger for any sniff of the trail of the celebrity du jour and their every tangential coffee run or strained eyebrow – and our public need to feast on such scraps – I personally kind of enjoy when the paparazzi get exploited to the stars’ benefit. I’m not immune; I do follow things on a surface level, though I have no idea why people know who Speidi or Miss Kardashian are, so I try to tune out such lower tiers of the “meta-famous” (yeah, it’s my word; spread it).

Sometimes bad publicity does hurt. Look at Paris’s CD. Even my own karmic loathing didn’t see that thing crashing like a lead zeppelin. Even ScarJo (whose voice and looks I enjoy) released a horrid Tom Waits coaster that sold less than Caffeine-Free Jolt. Switching mediums, depsite her obvious Page-Six star power, Paris has proven over and over again that she cannot “open” a movie. Meanwhile, the elder Spears has a book coming out, and it pains me that she’ll be making fuck-you money off nothing more than a fertile ovary, while I can’t even get my sweat-n-blood literary masterpiece across a desk.

Of course I agree with you on the whole: part of me dies every time I see hack talent rewarded. But unfortunately, to qualify as a scandal, one of the parties must already be famous. Maybe if people found out I’m banging Hillary Clinton. . . I’m not, though, so that would be libelous. But a decent plot for my follow-up book. Horror, of course.

I propose a sliding scale based on budget. You wanna go see Superman Returns, 12 bucks. Napoleon Dynamite, three bucks. Or even on rentals, price the indie flicks cheaper than the studio ones, regardless of release date.

I’m not yet suggesting this is a viable financial model for the industry, I’m just thinking from the customer’s perspective as it compares to our other entertainment. Truth is that small movies have a hard enough time making coin as is without lowering ticket prices. But with more democratic distribution models such as downloads, the numbers could work. Because Netflix is a bargain, I feel less guilty about watching shitty films sometimes, but even if they charged per-rental on such a sliding scale, my ratio would remain about the same. And those who enjoy popcorn “event movies” won’t be deterred by higher prices, because they’re compelled by their fandom or need to get out of the house for the night.

Napoleon Dynamite brought in over 100 times its original budget. Superman Returns was a huge success yet didn’t even double its investment. Then again, its actual profit in dollars was around $185 million, while Napoleon‘s profit was more like $45 million.* You could produce 400 Napoleon-esque films for the price of one Superman. Not that there’s enough talent available to do so, or that you could get them released, or afford the exponential marketing – but just think about that for a moment as a consumer, given their entertainment value (feel free to substitute your quality indie of choice for the silly Napoleon).

These aren’t even the most extreme examples (only in the sense that your average film is nowhere near as popular as either) when you consider The Blair Witch Project made 7000 times its budget, and Spider-Man 3 cleared $600 million profit, despite being the most expensive film ever made. Clerks was produced for less than the price of my car, but launched a career, as did El Mariachi, for less than I spent on rent last year. Let’s not even go into the fact that $20 million of one movie can be swallowed by a single actor, or the similar pissing contests of ballooning pro athlete salaries. Basically, studios put nearly all their eggs into just one or two baskets – giant fucking baskets – which we refer to as the blockbuster mentality. It’s also why their smaller films don’t receive the marketing they deserve. They swing for the fence instead of the gap over the second-baseman’s head.

To summarize: I’d spend more money watching films, while slighly less per, if you made them much more affordably and only pass on a little of that savings to us.

* I didn’t figure in the costs of P&A (prints and advertising), which can be substantial, but unavailable.