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Soul Nurses From Hell

Feb 09 2008 Posted by in entertainment, humor | Comments Off on Soul Nurses From Hell

Whatever you thought of last year’s Grindhouse (for me, any nit-picky disappointments were suppressed by the fact it got made at all), nearly everyone agrees the best parts were the trailers before and between. Hope ya saw it in the theater, because they’re sadly missing from the current home video releases. Fear not, though, because 42nd Street Forever has brought the real deal to a series of DVD compilations: original trailers for those exploitation flicks of the ’60s, ’70s, and early ’80s that made Times Square the grindhouse capital of the tasteless universe. All in glorious widescreen, for better or worse. Mostly worse.

I’ll be screening these muthas at my next party fo’ sheazy. Everything you could want: kung-fu cowboys, wet-t-shirt discos, ninjas, prison girls, truckers, nurses, more PETA violations than an episode of Drawn Together, and more violence against women than Ike Turner’s tour bus (god rest his bitch-slapping soul). Along with copious abuse of every exploitation convention committed to celluloid: sword noises dubbed by mouth (“wshhht! wshhht!”), unsteady snap zooms, undercranked sped-up action, freezes with optical zooms, extreme eye closeups, harsh underlighting, candy-apple red blood, and enough distorted monophonic screams to shred your JBLs.

The majority of these films were obvious knock-offs to capitalize on such era successes as Rosemary’s Baby and Jaws. While 5 Fingers of Death, however, stands out as the opposite, an obvious blueprint for Kill Bill Vol. 1‘s most memorable scenes. You’ll see career-destroying performances by: Linda Blair, Mayor Adam West, Burt Young, and Chucky Bronson in a romantic comedy. Make a drinking game out of Joe Don Baker’s appearances.

Marvel at such epic narration as:

“The long-haired kid with fury in his eyes . . . and the beautiful young nun who rode on the back of his bike.”

“She’s killed a man . . . been shot at . . . and made love twice this evening. And the evening is still young. . . .”

In addition to these three volumes, they even offer a XXX “Extreme Edition” that previews such coming attractions (in a thirty-year-long refractory period) as The Maltese Dildo and Beverly Hills Cox.