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Movies I’d Pay to See

Dec 07 2006 Posted by in entertainment, humor | Comments Off on Movies I’d Pay to See

In high-concept Hollywood, idea is king. The single-sentence pitch. Here are a few of my aborted attempts at “star vehicles” for celebrities who could use a career-energizing role. Normally I don’t like to just give away my golden tickets for free, but I trust you people.

As Tom Cruise’s detective character nears retirement, he must take on a young hotshot partner who plays by his own rules.

The long-awaited Jet Li/Carrot Top buddy picture.

David Lynch directs a new installment in the Police Academy franchise.

Chloe Sevigny plays a straight chick.

Keanu Reeves is the acting coach hired by a fading Harvey Keitel’s producer to help refine the performance of a lifetime, which Harvey hopes will win back respect once seen.

Russell Crowe goes way undercover to help bring down a male prostitution ring.

Meg Ryan battles Tourette’s Syndrome against the backdrop of the Korean War.

Boy George must raise his two sons after their mother dies, balancing family life with his recent promotion at the construction company.

Paris Hilton and Tracy Morgan fall in love at a hot-dog-eating contest.

Kathy Bates is at the center of a love triangle involving two competitive fraternity brothers going through rush.

Tom Hanks fronts a punk band coming of age while experimenting with drugs and anarchy in 1977.

James Lipton and Patrick Stewart in a docu-drama about the pressures of being closeted homosexuals in today’s NFL.

The Brat Pack reprise “The Breakfast Club” with new roles: Anthony Michael Hall as the burnout, Ally Sheedy as the princess, Judd Nelson as the jock, Molly Ringwald as the compulsive liar, and Emilio Estevez as the dork.

DEA agent Lisa Kudrow attempts to bring down the Vancouver marijuana cartel with the help of tagalong comic-relief journalist Vin Diesel.

Three words – Being John Travolta.

Will Smith and Beyoncé Knowles as Adam and Eve: the Hip-Hopera.

Anthony Hopkins in a Crocodile Hunter prequel.

Pauly Shore as an unfulfilled middle-school principal who works on an American History texbook in his spare time.

Jodie Foster, Susan Lucci, and Frances McDormand in a Charlie’s Angels sequel.

Crispin Glover befriends a co-worker, teaching him how to score with women in exchange for help with his business reports.

O.J. Simpson in a character study of a killer’s mind.

Kirsten Dunst in a coming-of-age tale set in prehistoric Mesopotamia.

Jennifer Connelly portrays a vixen who travels cross-country in search only of men named G, forcing them to have unprotected sex with her.